Thursday, December 24, 2009

Brief nothing?

Want to post because I haven't for a while. Aiya...Now it's Christmas, what shall I do?
Put back the PS2 in the room? Spent hours on it...Now it's already 4:14PM
I do not want to give up Dae Jang Geum watching though...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Weird dream and procrastination

Why am I still procrastinating?
Okay, after this episode, for sure, start reviewing comp lit.
Need to sleep at 10? Stop computer at 7. Come on...
On the other hand, a weird dream. A nightmare where I...didn't kill someone, but sliced their forehead off and hurt him considerably. It was Taeyang-- guess because I was listening to Wedding Dress before I slept. But he didn't... I don't know. There was no just cause for it? I had a cause up until I did it, but until I was giving judgement on why, I couldn't say it.
But he didn't press charges? And was still popular.
Even stranger, I started to become infatuated with him. Not yet but started.

Anyhow. I woke up, it was a nightmare, I had mutilated someone with an unspeakable, and perhaps nonexistent reason.

OKAY. Enough feeling guilty. Feel the valiance of Eliwood and Hector you so are addicted to at the moment and keep your word.

notes: RA form.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Stupidity, this is to you.

To my stupidity which resides in my mind, acknowledged as impossible to rid of, this is a note to you.
At the moment you are acknowledged, untouched, so I am definitely not in your shameful grasp.
This note is to celebrate my mind which knows you as stupid and a silly portion right now, and not as a shameful but irresistible perversion.

:) This has been Clarity.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Types of Conversations

Conversations can be meant deeply.

In other cases, what some people look for is not thought, but emotions expressed. The stronger the emotions, the more enjoyed. But thought it not looked for. They look for glimpses of the emotional. Seek only the emotional, and perhaps limited thought processes.

Honestly, at the moment I want to say: that really disgusts me. Why limit the human potential to something so animalistic? Where is the expanse of the mind revealed through conversation like that? Can they not reach that point?
And if they could but choose not to, why not?

Is this because they don't think or they don't want to think? Or only because they don't want to think at that moment?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

the Human Condition

Inspired by: Reading The Way of Shadows by Brent Weeks

On the human condition
there are two sides,
as one as a coin.
One is the absolute poverty of the soul,
the cheapness of the build of a person,
bought and sold, their passion and dreams,
their humanity;
which mark human beings different
from animals, for going beyond
the herd instinct: sacrifice.
On the other is the struggle to escape
this sad classification
being only animal.

Isn't that where all stories spring from?
If at least the apocalypse erodes all,
if even one fictitious tale of a hero survives,
lives through thought, creation or revel
by even one person,
then the human condition continues.
Tragically beautiful.

Sunday Morning Talk

Listening to: 哪怕 - Khalil Fong (Album: Soulboy)
Comment on music: This is what Sunday mornings are about, really.

So came out of the shower late, and my mother asked me whether I had anything to say, since last night she was exhausted and couldn't talk, and I said I can't just sprout out stuff on the spot.

Regardless we chatted until 5 something into the morning, and I read the Assassin book 1 Victor lent me. On his half-right shots, this one was right, I was finishing it in a rush. Now I'm through a part of the book, the first "part" as much as I can see, where the boy becomes an apprentice finally.
Good of it to keep me on tenterhooks like that.
So last time I checked, the clock said 6:30AM
And...I think the alarm sets off at 6:45, but I think I woke up thinking it was a heck of a long time, but I fell asleep again until Priscilla called my cellphone. Haha~ And that was 11:10 AM or so? Woke up now and then to set off my iPod and stuff. Haha

Anyhow, the crunch of this is not to record my day so much as my mother and I's talk.

One is that she is worthy of learning of. I know I learned this before, but these talks between her and I are rare, and only starting because I've grown older. This is because of her way of teaching is not to tell kids everything, and with her own children of course she would act on her beliefs. Not that father followed this, so obviously for years I would think similarly to dad but not mom.

Anyhow, a little bit of frustrations against--seriously-- father's laziness. And a bit on his weakness at his job right now.
However, she is really over it. Dad is more than well-grown, so she wouldn't teach him anymore "this is his life" mentality. She focuses on the positive...
This is wise, I am sure. I must simulate that frame of mind.

Another on her eagerness to learn science of astronomy. That was cute. I think I should teach her some astronomy once I get my textbook out. I wouldn't mind at all. Or whatever, history? Classics?

Two, let's see... another thing is regarding my laziness. I just have to get out of it, not that cold merciless voice exactly--maybe in the shows I learned it from it came out colder than it is. But a bit of steel with yourself is necessary. Follow that voice, and it means well. Voice, mean well, be a bit more understanding.

Another is regarding my inferiority complex being Priscilla's roommate. Just remind yourself she was brought up in Hong Kong, and that does make a difference. Not the reason, of course, but it makes a difference. Socially and academically. And I wouldn't be her for a million dollars, of course I knew that before, but there has to be reason for that right? Reason is, obviously, I love my life.

Yes, realize Karen, you love your life actually. So stop putting on the mask you hate it, because that really makes you consciously hate it.

Some on health, the thing regarding washing your hair and swimming. Go to the gym in the morning and wash and wait a few hours for your hair, basically.

I have a feeling I'm missing the crunch here...

Ah! Right, the thing about volunteer work. I think I really need that helping people happiness, because when I heard it and absorbed it analytically, I really responded well with it. I believe she was correct in saying

Well, got to rush out. Maybe edit later. Going out at 12:29.

Friday, November 27, 2009


"Just like an addict"
those words repeated in my brain.
Couldn't stop playing FE.
It was like that time with Gundam Seed Destiny
So last night, when I lost, I just junked it.
Now I want to play it.
Breathe in.
No, it took too much time.

On another matter entirely,
Is it just me...?
Explosive much.? Or no?
I guess maybe I'm sensitive,
but I can't take indignation lightly,
unless justified?
Don't care, not my fault.

Daaaamit. I really want to play it.
Exercise or something. Remember
a constructive day.
Been so lazy and behind lately.
I need a word to express my frustration
but it seems like there are none?
Fuck? - But I don't want or need mindless sexual intercourse.
Shit? - What? No, I do not need to shit?
Damn it - Damn what? My frustration? It's not like it's another person.

Shit my life.
See? That just came out. Oh fuck..
That too o_O
Damn it!
..It seems like those three things just come out like vomit,
in that order too?
Or it seems like I just repeat it
"Oh f my life! fuck! Ah shit! Damn it!"
I'm grinning, it's sort of funny really.

On the more serious note. I already trashed it.
Now think how to be constructive.

Friday, November 20, 2009


How long will I procrastinate.
Until I bear my burden more seriously?
How long will I make my father suffer,
before I ask him to quit.
How long will I put off killing him?
How long until I bear my burden?

Curse, lift yourself girl.
Become what you should.
How long until you
bring what is long due to
father and mother?
How long must you cry
until the tears are not for yourself
but for your parents?

Sail, fly, slowly and gently
No need to be a flagellant,
but please urgently remember.

Gently with yourself,
love yourself completely,
and you can glide over what
troubles you at the moment.
But don't forget
and love your parents righteously.

Piano Song

listening to: Wedding Dress - Taeyang

A parody, from a girl's perspective.

Some say it's ain't over till it's over,
But I guess it's really over now.
There's something I gotta say before I let you go,

Hey, do you remember
I was that girl who'd listen to all my parents advice
taking all those
piano and violin classes?
Do you remember telling me to stop being
such a typical good girl,
to follow my heart for my happiness?

Thank you, I know you cared for me all along
and I know you never meant for me to feel this way,
from that moment to even now,
asking me to play the piano at your wedding.

Ah~ boy, you know I don't want to be that girl,
crying softly behind the bridal white piano,
over the guy friend who meant more.
Boy, you know, I laughed along with you at that
melodramatic girl in those dramas.

But, underneath the black make-up,
which wedged us apart in those years,
my lips trembled every time I kissed with them.
I know you aren't the one to fall for these,
but it was always you.

Oh boy, I never wanted to be the girl
who selfishly wanted you to withdraw your hand
from other girls.
I never wanted to talk about it,
but how can you be so blind?

Who was it that cheered you up when you were down,
and the other girl who came in just when you were feeling better,
do you really attribute her with making you happy?

Still, at your boyish smile,
I can't refuse to play the melody now,
the one which, so simple, I stumbled
infinitely on during practise.

I know after this piece,
you're going to make your vow
to protect her forever.
And I know, you will mean it
with all your being.
Are you going to remember you made the same vow to me,
when we were children, when I still shyly hid behind you?

My heart is falling farther at each
key I'm pressing,
but you know in piano, the beat is strict,
and I can't falter now.
Even though I know I can't play
this song forever.