Wednesday, September 15, 2010

When I Forget, just Smile, with Teeth and Eyes.

Affected by another blog entry I read and follow. (Check out: saw this girl write a funny article in The Standard when I was in HK and saw she had a blog and bam. Yeah. The rest, they say is history (? never quite got this but whatever. I don't get a lot of sayings.)

I feel so small and mean.
I know this is my weakness, so I think it is necessary for be to be in a physically better shape to build my confidence.

You know, the sad thing is that so many that know me my age would say it's a stupid notion I'm going through. That Every One Is Beautiful Naturally. But that's just not true. People differ in levels of beauty. And there ARE people out there who are beautiful outside and inside.

I should aim to be like that. I do feel affected by this already, daily, and I have gone through the stage of intense mental burnouts way too many times in my life to know it doesn't work. So...I guess I am happy, even though I have eaten late for two nights in a row now.

But really, two nights, I think I can live with myself. And so on with three nights...but I don't want three nights.

It's hard, sometimes, to remind myself of the good feeling and hopes I have for this new school year. How excited I was this summer (I actually ran in joy to my room when I moved in after the driver went away.) I could feel the back of my brain saying I might look really silly, but I was honestly that happy. And today (or was it yesterday?) as I was going back towards my residence I tried to summon that feeling again and failed.

Of course, I know as well as anyone feelings can't be 'summoned.' How many times have I wish I could record feelings and play them? But you can't, you can only hold on to bits of it through the memory, and then later with the help of songs and scents. At least for me. (I was walking through the rec centre and through the ice rink when I remembered the smell, I think, vaguely reminded me of my grade 3 where I would go skating sometimes with the class. What happened to those? And I also thought: I really did grow up here. Why am I not seriously whitewashed? I SKATED for gods sake. As a child.)

I can't even remember how I felt with Ellen anymore. Or...I can remember, but I definitely don't feel it anymore.
Which makes sense. It's been seven years. (Note this in future story which I will write~)

Sometimes I want to blame my parents. I love my parents, and anyone who knows me a pinch would know...but... uncle mike said something which got me to really think: if parents are happy then their children will naturally become happy. And the gods knows my parents were not happy. But I still think my brother ought to take responsibility over himself.

How come people love things that can be so awful and broken and with sharp edges? I think in my scenario, it's just time. Time makes attachment and love. With my friend, I think she's just masochistic. She enjoys the pain, the ride of up and down down down and up and down. But... I'm not like that.

I really want to be healthy and happy.

Woah. I just tried to type what else I wanted to be and that brought up: intelligent and deep philosophically, cool... and then a highly contrasting image of charismatic and passionate.
It seems like two jarring opposites. But I realize I have the potential to be those things (I sort of am already, but I can be more in each aspect. There is no perfection after all.)

I don't want to be: stereotypical. I don't want to stereotype... I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I do that... but I do. I judge base on appearance, so much. And it's my weakness, which I will change...but slowly, forgiving myself. And also, I will adapt by appearing better myself.

I don't know whether it's because of who I hang out with: where anything mainstream is frowned upon unless it's Unarguable-With (such as: kindness is good...or something like that, because if anyone claimed it was Unarguable I'd probably demand a further explanation...augh...see??!) but I feel ashamed to say aloud I want to be physically become fit and look better. I should not be. The human body is so precious, why is it there must be a division between those who favour the body against the mind (stereotypically, the good looking jock/cheerleader/ against the nerd-with-a-good-mind-and-heart.... seriously. I need to trash this out.) As Gloria said, there ARE people who are just good. Inside and out.

I just need to remind myself. The thing is like... well, it's like my physical state actually. Every time I stretch, I reach my boundaries so soon. And sometimes I just start getting numb because I don't stretch so often. It's sort of pathetic, I know, but it's exactly it as well. I try not to look down on myself when compared to others, because I am sure there is something about me which is better or just as good. I am equal or what it is we're all taught (but as you can see, it just cracked there. It's not easy to just change one's perspective like "that")

Just smile. With teeth and eyes.