Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Paradise Lost

Just came out of English Class, and while I appreciate our professor's defense of Eve, I have to disagree with him thinking Milton thought along the same lines.
Really, you can't just hold what details he put in and ignore his entire tone. It's great for an essay, maybe, but to teach a class?

Got me thinking how irritated I'd be talking to a misogynistic ass. Or worse, having to marry one, say, Milton? That's not to say I don't secretly love the thought of harmonic male/female relationships (hopefully with the male in lead, but why? Maybe because I'm lazy? Maybe because it's bred in me growing up? No idea.)

Mostly I thought about how unhearing hatred is something terrible. But then I thought about my brother, and apathy/pessimism, or apathetic pessimism which pisses me off to no end, and how I have little/none patience with it.

Should I rethink it...?
Maybe some other time... Sleepy.

Monday, November 22, 2010

So, secretly,

I should be working on my essay. Obviously, I am not.

So, secretly, or maybe not so secretly, most girls (Asian girls more prone to this? No idea) want to be effortlessly beautiful.
Or maybe me. And some other people I know. (Not, say, my friends, because who the hell would admit that? But they tell me they know other people who are like that- and I'm just surprised when they say that. My reply is usually something like: yeah, that's me, you aren't?) Anywho...

... Maybe it's not Asian, they just have to have been watching anime and seeing just "that" girl who is a hard ass or nerd who's a softy inside and somehow this magical variant of Edward Cullen sees through it and vows to protect her and love her.

I swear this needs to begin young, so the girl who is watching is like: it's okay, it doesn't matter how I end up looking like, because the magical guy will come for me. They know/think most guys as "shallow" and only care about appearances, but they don't care about that much, they're waiting for Mr. Right to show up. Mr. Right, who they might dislike at first, but eventually, at appoximately the same time, they will fall in love. Mr. Right will have a cinematic as well as unnaturally perceptive eye, and somehow slow time, on a random time he looks at her, say, once when she is tucking her hair behind her ears, or studying, or sleeping (this is slightly creepy, of course, it would need good reason-- say, he saved her, or...she's sleeping in class or something. Something better than a stalker who's looking at her while she's sleeping inside her freaking bedroom-- it still confuses me why Twihards aren't creeped out by this...but...hey, they're okay with human/inhuman (albeit humanoid) relationship and pedophelia, and love at first sight, so what is a little dangerous creeping?)

The girl will also be able to eat all she wants, but stay ridiculously thin and fit (like, Sailor Moon?)

How was I ever this girl?

I'm not saying this doesn't happen to a lucky few, but someone, anyone, could have told me it wasn't going to happen by the time I was...what.. 14? 15?... 16? I'm not sure if age is what I mean is the "wake-up call"... but more like...the unreality of it could have maybe smacked me?

Or maybe it did. Maybe it does, to that dreaming girl.

And what happens after it creeps into her subconscious, or the darker layer of consciousness, is that she starts becoming... 'desperate'.
Because by this time she had abandoned years of caring for her physical self, and knowing she doesn't compare to some others, she begins to... well, act in desperate ways. I don't know exactly how this might be. But I think I might these might be manifestations of it:
1) A sudden obsession with her physical appearance. Fashion, make-up, dieting become suddenly important. Really. Important. Anorexic important.
2) A sudden ...flirtiness? with all guys, any guy, or guys they set their eyes on. Some might deny it, but...

I think it results in serious unhealthiness. And health is attractive.

Actually, a few times I have already realized this. And have consciously worked to get away from it.
Proudly, I can say, I am actually getting away from this unhealthy, frankly what I'd call ridiculous, mindset.
Although, I do see signs of myself wanting to do this sometimes. Thankfully, I see it and I stop it... or prevent it, but what happens is that I become really quiet. Ah well. Slowly changing.

Quite proud.

....See how I spend a ludicrous amount of time typing about silly thoughts like these and congratulating myself while my books are in front of me, reminding me I have a freaking essay to right.


Friday, November 19, 2010

GOT: HP Cast?!

Might be just me, but it suddenly came to my head that these three are sort of exactly how the Tully siblings might look like. Bonnie Wright as Catelyn ...and Evanna Lynch as Lysa.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

To My Friends (an imaginary toast to them)

To My Friends:

There is a saying which means something along the lines of: who you surround yourself with tells something about yourself.
So anyway, I was showering one day thinking (and I do come with many thoughts in the shower, I know not where this idiosyncrasy comes from) about my worth as a person. I couldn't immediately come up with traits, as it were, and as the mind goes, I suddenly thought of you guys.
And I felt happy. The more I thought about it, the happier I got. Basically, because regardless how blind or bereft I am of whatever excellent qualities...I can't be that bad because I have pretty good friends.
It's logic, really: really disagreeable people don't have good friends, I'm pretty sure. So if I am good enough to have my friends as you guys are, I can't be that bad.

To Victor: My dear friend, the one who walked with me on random nights talking about our stories which we will definitely write one day. For being a bloody smith, and an art student- my admirations to that, and congratulations you've found the path you feel is right for you. And my sisterly love I promise.
To Priscilla: For everything in first year university the most, for everything before and everything to come, I trust. We will be friends forever.
To Michelle: Simply for your outstanding steel in balancing your academics, which show your natural brilliance, and your athletics. You simply amaze me.
To Dora: From fashion, dancing, knitting, buying and selling online, academics to being fourth dimensional with your rather lame puns-- honestly (need I say more?) And yes, you are, for goodness' sakes, pretty if not darn gorgeous. A palette of talents, and will to use them all, apparently, to boot: I doubt I'll be able to keep up with everything you do-- thankfully I'm not nearly as pressurized as you.
To Michael: For being disappointed with a NINETY SOMETHING PERCENT AVERAGE in University. Honestly. What.the.hell? For being curious about me, trying to keep in touch. I'm sorry if I suck at responding. For being a helpful guy in general. For having the courage and will to change from business (arts) to science entirely. Good luck, I believe you can do it. You are intelligent, and regardless what you say, I think you know it true.
To Alana: I will never forget what I was when I first met you. The vampire girl with the yellow raincoat jacket. You brought me out of it. No one can replace you to me, if I've ever disappointed you, I'm sorry. I'm still growing, I'm still learning how to be better. I love you, and you once said we were sisters-- I don't know how true you thought it, but you are dear to me. You're courageous and fun to most if not all, but to me you are more. ...but Taylor still scares me.
To Angela: Honestly I don't know how I mix up your name with Aggie's sometimes, but you are my oldest friend. Since grade 4?5? We are different, but similar in some respects. I remember there was a time I thought we were polar opposites in every respect-- but I don't remember why now besides I liked dogs and you liked cats. But I won't forget it was with you whom I phoned the crazy "Stop Bullying" people. Or the eagle picture, or the heron on your roof (do you even remember that?) You have a core, I think, that I identify with. Don't grow too far from me, keep in bloody touch damn it. INVITE ME TO YOUR DAMN HOUSE. XD
To Agatha: I don't know what to say. You are serious and silly all in one. Serious when you're doing stuff, like DECA-ing, or when we're talking about "seriouser" stuff (i.e. plans for the future, universities etc.)...and silly like the other 95% of the time. WHAT DO YOU MEANNNN you are going to get killed by eating a burger? WHAT DO YOU MEANNN about not knowing "guy #50" likes you? Stop leading people on, honestly. Not that you're not a source of entertainment when I talk to you.

What an extremely long imaginary toast which I will probably not say because of its length...
Well, drink to that sad thought.
And a drink to my friends for being as they are.
And a drink to me, for my good fortune.

(Hear, hear!)

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Why am I procrastinating?
Care a lot about my friend who's going through a tough phase...
And am I bloody jealous? Marry! Yeah I am, oh well, only slightly and in passing. I think.
Listening to Sherlock Holmes OST. I like it! It's so peculiar...

Why am I procrastinating lately? The will to perfect something...
I don't have it? ...Craft which you perfect... the will to perfect...instead of burnout at the end...

1) Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses
2) Make those strengths distinct enough, so you are a remarkable individual by those particulars.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Cheerfulness, Sharing

Just finished talked to my aunt. And thought about what we spoke about it.
I think I'm still going in the right direction...? (Where was I headed anyway? I can't remember anymore...?!) But now I will also focus to be cheerful and learn the joys the sharing.

I have a heart and mind clenched by darkness. Darkness being...greed, and fearful protection of self? Why is that? Is that the reason why I keep on running and scribbling on new sheets? Until they realize I'm not who I am, and I feel they realize and augh.

Cheerfulness, think about how to be less of a SL and more of a 소녀.... Yup!!

Hehe...;; She also said I was a pretty girl, that all I need is to be cheerful and less complicated. If only I could just snap my fingers and all I could do was change.

Mm... Michael said that I should focus less on my weaknesses and trying to change and more on my strength.

I don't think they are opposing points though.

Listening to: Kelly Chan - 微光

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Just went on Soshified.
The girls have grown so much...since their debut. It makes me reflect on myself...
Their debut with Into the New World, and I was in grade...10?11?
It's been a really long time. They've grown so much, I feel like in comparison I haven't.
Of course I suppose one can say "you can't compare working as a celebrity to being a student"...but ...why not?
I've grown, but holy ;laksdfj. I guess it's just ...I have grown, and that's why I realize they really don't need protection from their fans. They have grown, or is it I have grown?

I guess we both grew.

Okay. Hard work...hard work! Go~!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

If something touches you... (Tabula Rasa)

My belief is if something can touch you you can relate to it. Not a wild-out-of-the-world idea right?

So sometimes it touches you so much you'd like to write about it.

Anyway, this I read in a book somewhere before. "How to Be Good" by Nick Hornby actually. It's a metaphor made by the protagonist of the story (may I say that this book is about a woman in a troubled marriage? With a spiritual healer which annoys her? How do I relate, you ask, but I verily do...somehow) on how her life with her husband was like a sheet of paper all filled out, and she wanted an affair not because she liked the other guy, or less because she wanted to feel the spark of "adventure" and "scandal" in her mundane life, but because she just wanted a new sheet of paper to draw on. To work on. Because the one she made with her husband was filled up all the way to the corners and she didn't like the picture.

(I read that book ages ago, that I still remember it says something, no?) But seriously, that metaphor gave me the chills. Because I felt it so, so deeply and easily. In other words, I knew exactly how she felt (well maybe not with the husband and two kids and spiritual healer, but the paper analogy...)

And I realized... for myself I think I am a chalkboard. For the longest time I've been having ideas, but I never enacted on any of them, for fear of how other people look at me or whatever. What I didn't know (or acknowledge... secret subconscious knowledge doesn't count?) was that Time was a tricky bastard and draws for you while you're not looking. Or trying. So when I looked on the sheet of paper that "could have been" I only think: well, I didn't draw that. I could have drawn what I wanted, only I didn't.

Well, I woke up and I realized that's really worse. Worse than not trying to draw. To create myself.

Thankfully I'm still (quite) young and now I want to fill out the paper how I want it. There's been a dozen metaphors on this: write the story of your life, model your own life (as in it's like clay?) and etc...
Sorry. Got carried away.

Anyway, I intend to snatch the Pen (or if I were a chalkboard, chalk) back from Time, and put him in his place, on a pedestal, but not on my back with a handed saddle. (That might have made no sense at all...)

...And that's all jolly good right? Well, so it is. Only... I still fear being too different. For example, recently I had an urge to speak (try to anyhow) in Shakespearian English. Why not? I thought, besides from the obvious, it'd at least force me to think thrice before I speak, and make me learn new vocabulary.
Well the obvious won out. But I couldn't hold my Muse... but that is mine secret.