Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Unhappy (but, as expected, after writing I feel better)

I want to type I am "unhappy" right now.
But really I guess I should just type I am procrastinating right now, and therefore have time to think too much. My mental image of mom does not approve.

Anyway, to make fun of myself, I guess I will say why I am unhappy... so I can laugh at them and get back to work.

1) I am attracted to relationships (relating back to the last post), even if I acknowledge I won't get in one in the near future. Probably won't? Anyway. Point is, I went on AKP and saw the post about Sunye in a relationship and saw Dora's photo on FB with her boyfriend (which is good) but... augh, I just felt a pang of loneliness. And really, Karen, that's... not really "silly" as my fingers want to type, but just... not helpful. And not really useful. And therefore discardable! *discards* Okay.

2) I got charged a fine on overdue library books when I thought I renewed them. Wtf. Okay. But I will have to go home and come back with the books. Sigh... might as well work in the library. Maybe I'll work in the stairwell, since I like the (yeah, strange) smell of cold concrete? I don't actually know what the smell is, but it's the smell on the jogging track, the ice rink and in the library stairwell, oddly enough.

3) Got to finish my 2301E assignment. FINISH IT... I can do this. This guy in my 3421E class could finish a 1000 word essay no problem... actually, I think I can too... 2000 isn't actually that difficult. I'm on 700 and I'm only halfway through my first argument. I just need to focus. Sometimes I wish I could have fans or something (clearly submerged in K-pop way too freaking long) to encourage me. I don't have that, but I do have friends. Hmm.. leading to point 4...

4) I think I am submerged in loneliness again. Seriously I think it might just be my PMS (POSTmenstrual syndrome though, in this case) because I get that. Or it might be that I lack sleep, running on 2 hours and fear of caffeine messing up my body for good. But... yeah... I feel lonely. It's strange because I grew up with a lot of love from my parents, and it's not like I grew up with loads of friends so I should be used to it by now, but I guess...
Honestly though, this type of loneliness, it's not like I want to share it with anybody. Or... I wouldn't mind sharing it, and it would probably be therapeutic to do so...

In this huge world, how do we manage to be this lonely? What the hell?

But... yeah. I'm okay.
I'm okay :D
I'll be my own biggest fan. That sounds pathetic, but seriously... it has to work like that. It works like that for everyone, even the performers with the most fans, I think.

I guess I'll start stalking other bloggers. For some reason this internet voyeurism makes me feel less lonely. Except the bloggers sort of want others to read their stuff, right?

I wonder if people who go to prostitutes feel the same as I do, right at this moment?
Wow. What a strange thought. But entirely plausible, I think.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Thoughts on being Single

Okay, so to pre-empt, this may make me sound retarded. As in slow.

But just a note to self... I think... I should write down (and set in clay, if not stone) how I feel about being a single, 20 year old girl.

I think... I finally love myself to just enjoy it.

I have been examining this thought more seriously, and I really think it's not just a "Well, I don't have a boyfriend so it's okay to be single" reaction. ... Or not just that anyway. Because I really, really, do not want to be a desperate person. Relationship-desperate people are never attractive, and really, especially if they're women/girls.

And it's just gross. I don't want to be a gross person.

But I've been moving from that revelation which I reached years ago to this one... where it's just, I like being single too. I like pampering myself and buying stuff for myself. I like loving me. And that sounds really vain... but really.

I mean, I would love, I won't deny by any means, to meet the right person for me and embark on a relationship. But... I think I like being single too.

Honestly I think I've thought of this before. But in a high school and university environment, sometimes you forget (either because you're envious/awkward watching kissing/loving couples-- unless, of course, you got that one (or two) friend and her boyfriend and they're like, ridiculously cute together and then you really feel awkward but happy for them over envy-- or you're busy as a hamster running to keep herself on top of a constantly growing snowball so not to get killed by an avalanche).

Anyway, I guess this was a reminder. Now back to work.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

EXTRA EXTRA Original title: Random List of Stuff about Me.

1. I'm 20 years old.

2. I have no boyfriend (or girlfriend, to pre-empt), I do have an imaginary (friend?) lover who I refer to as My Jealous Mistress, who is my creative literary muse. I have an amorphous relationship with her, it is perhaps amorous where I simultaneously adore and hate her. She is faithful to me, but jealous, and will not love me unless I am devoted to her.

3. As far as I know, I am straight. But since I am easily influenced by others, and classic literature denotes Muse as a woman, my Muse is a woman.

4. I am increasingly undergoing mental sparagmos as I age and mature. I am unsure whether this is like other people, or unlike other people (i.e. the general population) although I feel, as I am writing this, it is unlike others. Granted, my condition is not constant, i.e. I am focused at times. Usually after I talk to my mom.

5. I like talking to my mom. Generally speaking.

6. I love my parents. Not really sure about my brother. I am not even sure if he is legally sane (i.e. if he is insane, then I can't judge him by "normal standards") and sometimes I imagine to be this mental dysfunct. It makes my skin crawl and I want to protect my parents and me from him. This is not out of normal sibling rivalry, although I can't deny or admit to it being a possible factor to my feeling towards him.

7. I am introverted. I.e. I prefer thinking by myself. It is not that I am necessarily a private person (for example, I wouldn't mind anyone commenting on this post) but I just wouldn't promote it (LOOK HERE enter friend's name AT WHAT I WROTE). Although most of the time I think I would love to share my stories. But I feel I hate it when people impose on me their stories, so I shall not to the same, unless asked.

8. I am learning how to be a Good Person. It sounds easy, but it's really hard. Last week I defended the integrity of a sport against an acquaintance. It felt good, since usually I would just keep quiet and think the person was a bigot.

9. I think the world is deeply superficial. (You make think it's common sense, but some people don't... I think.) I think there is an ideal I would like to be, physically and mentally... but I wonder whether the Ideal would be Me, if I were to consciously emulate it. Is growth by emulation natural if it's done consciously? Why is natural growth important? (Because conscious ingenuity to oneself is like an eyesore, like a neon, pornographic picture in the peripheral vision of a Titian painting... and I cannot accept it. Nor, I think, can a lot of people.)

10. I think sometimes my insistent cling to genuineness is a defence of my low position on the superficiality scale. I think this is the way it is perceived by some people too (although of course, not everyone, thankfully. But how much of the general population, I am not sure.) But I also think parts of my genuineness is genuine. But how big of a slice that is, I am not sure.

11. I think showing genuine thought is dangerous. I feel like it'd scare away many people. I also think discussion about such solemn (if I may call it that) topics is depressing, which is why I prefer not to dwell on them, because I do not want to be depressed (generally, although sometimes it's like good wine. For example, I don't mind a little nostalgia once in a while). Also because there is the superficial reason that I know I do not want to be associated as a "depression-bringer."

12. Did I just refer to superficiality as basic human interaction skill? I suppose, however, that is what ultimately superficiality is based from. The construction of your persona which interacts with other people.

13. This was fun, but I have class now. Maybe I'll post this up on Facebook (what does that say about what I just said? Really...)