Thoughts on being Single

Okay, so to pre-empt, this may make me sound retarded. As in slow.

But just a note to self... I think... I should write down (and set in clay, if not stone) how I feel about being a single, 20 year old girl.

I think... I finally love myself to just enjoy it.

I have been examining this thought more seriously, and I really think it's not just a "Well, I don't have a boyfriend so it's okay to be single" reaction. ... Or not just that anyway. Because I really, really, do not want to be a desperate person. Relationship-desperate people are never attractive, and really, especially if they're women/girls.

And it's just gross. I don't want to be a gross person.

But I've been moving from that revelation which I reached years ago to this one... where it's just, I like being single too. I like pampering myself and buying stuff for myself. I like loving me. And that sounds really vain... but really.

I mean, I would love, I won't deny by any means, to meet the right person for me and embark on a relationship. But... I think I like being single too.

Honestly I think I've thought of this before. But in a high school and university environment, sometimes you forget (either because you're envious/awkward watching kissing/loving couples-- unless, of course, you got that one (or two) friend and her boyfriend and they're like, ridiculously cute together and then you really feel awkward but happy for them over envy-- or you're busy as a hamster running to keep herself on top of a constantly growing snowball so not to get killed by an avalanche).

Anyway, I guess this was a reminder. Now back to work.

"Don't say sorry so easily"

I don't know why this suddenly popped up in my head.

But from my summer internship two years ago, I think this is the thing that stuck out most in my mind. A co-worker of mine said to me: "Don't say sorry so easily. It makes the word lose meaning when you really mean it."

But I can't help but say it so often. I really make and effort to try not to do it...but.. it still slips.

Still, I guess I am glad I say it less now? Or at least I remember...

Typing on my new Leopold Cherry MX Blues now... to be honest, I know they're supposed to use less force than my MBP scissor switches, but I can't help but feel like they're heavier anyway- and that I seem to make a lot more mistakes on them.

But I know without the mistakes I can type at a higher rate than my scissor switches.

As to the sound-- I really don't have a comment. I wonder if I will like the brown switches more?

I keep on looking for excuses to type on these keyboards lately it seems...

Okay. Time for a nap and then hopefully the sun will be out tomorrow, bright and energizing!

If not... augh.. I don't know...

I plan to study about economics and science revolution tomorrow.

94 words

typing test

-- New high score for self. Okay. Time to shower.

Place your hand over your heart

For no reason at all today, I don't know for what reason, I was reminiscing about some 1 Litre of Tears ...goods?

Mm...It really has got a good message... I make a note to my future self, whenever I...am being ungrateful and depressed, maybe I should watch it...and just remember.

And if I can't watch it at that moment. I have to just put my hand over my heart and feel it beat steadily. Bump. Bump.

For nothing at all, but for the air I'm breathing in and out.

To look at the sky, whether it's blue or grey. To look at the snow or grass.

It's good to live, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Gratefully, meekly, let's start the day again, from that moment on.

Weird dream and procrastination

Why am I still procrastinating?

Okay, after this episode, for sure, start reviewing comp lit.

Need to sleep at 10? Stop computer at 7. Come on...

On the other hand, a weird dream. A nightmare where I...didn't kill someone, but sliced their forehead off and hurt him considerably. It was Taeyang-- guess because I was listening to Wedding Dress before I slept. But he didn't... I don't know. There was no just cause for it? I had a cause up until I did it, but until I was giving judgement on why, I couldn't say it.

But he didn't press charges? And was still popular.

Even stranger, I started to become infatuated with him. Not yet but started.

Anyhow. I woke up, it was a nightmare, I had mutilated someone with an unspeakable, and perhaps nonexistent reason.

OKAY. Enough feeling guilty. Feel the valiance of Eliwood and Hector you so are addicted to at the moment and keep your word.

notes: RA form.

Stupidity, this is to you.

To my stupidity which resides in my mind, acknowledged as impossible to rid of, this is a note to you.

At the moment you are acknowledged, untouched, so I am definitely not in your shameful grasp.

This note is to celebrate my mind which knows you as stupid and a silly portion right now, and not as a shameful but irresistible perversion.

:) This has been Clarity.

Sides

"Just like an addict"

those words repeated in my brain.

Couldn't stop playing FE.

It was like that time with Gundam Seed Destiny

So last night, when I lost, I just junked it.

Now I want to play it.

Breathe in.

No, it took too much time.

On another matter entirely,

Is it just me...?

Explosive much.? Or no?

I guess maybe I'm sensitive,

but I can't take indignation lightly,

unless justified?

Don't care, not my fault.

Daaaamit. I really want to play it.

Exercise or something. Remember

a constructive day.

Been so lazy and behind lately.

I need a word to express my frustration

but it seems like there are none?

Fuck? - But I don't want or need mindless sexual intercourse.

Shit? - What? No, I do not need to shit?

Damn it - Damn what? My frustration? It's not like it's another person.

Shit my life.

See? That just came out. Oh fuck..

That too o_O

Damn it!

..It seems like those three things just come out like vomit,

in that order too?

Or it seems like I just repeat it

"Oh f my life! fuck! Ah shit! Damn it!"

Seriously?

I'm grinning, it's sort of funny really.

On the more serious note. I already trashed it.

Now think how to be constructive.

Sail!

How long will I procrastinate.

Until I bear my burden more seriously?

How long will I make my father suffer,

before I ask him to quit.

How long will I put off killing him?

How long until I bear my burden?

Curse, lift yourself girl.

Become what you should.

How long until you

bring what is long due to

father and mother?

How long must you cry

until the tears are not for yourself

but for your parents?

Sail, fly, slowly and gently

No need to be a flagellant,

but please urgently remember.

Gently with yourself,

love yourself completely,

and you can glide over what

troubles you at the moment.

But don't forget

and love your parents righteously.