My diary is not here, and it's better to catch this when the memory is fresh as those oysters I just ate.
My brother came home drunk, I was still awake (it was 2:47AM in the morning or so) and working on my Korean speech. I was tired, listening to "Because I'm Weary" from the Kongbu eh Shin OST. Was going to sleep.
And then he told me he wanted some Viet pho. I called him a crazy bitch, but he said otherwise he was going to drive. So I went out with him.
I let him drive. I stood for a while, not letting him, my legs shaking, my teeth eventually chattering. Shudders of coldness. But I let him drive. Did I let something go? Did I give him permission?
Karen Ling. Why.
And so we went to 100 (or whatever, the hot pot place) and he said...something. Something about him smarter than me. Some words of advice.
His past made him numb, he replied, when I asked him how he could feel nothing.
I told him I stole all his emotions, I have too much and he too little. And he said something about I'll learn my lessons in time, and he'll be watching, like how he watched the television.
I don't give a fuck about any of that. Almost. I have my own life...
Ge, are you sad?
Ge, are you tired? Are you weary?
Ge, your life... are you really satisfied?
Ge, I think from tonight, I see something about you finally. You are a control freak.
You want to have everything under your control, you want your knowledge to be secure. You want to be able to say: I know everything in my life right now.
But you don't. You don't know me.
You don't know my dreams.
That already is a flaw to your perfect knowledge about everything.
Dad once said you were a skeptic... this image I have....
I see a young boy who think he knows everything but is ultimately lost.
Unless I don't matter to you. Unless you mean "knowledge of my life"... are you that selfish? As in...full of the self only?
Isn't that such an obvious question? Yes, I know.
Are you ever weary?
I love you...
You're like that frog, in the well. You want to be of the well. Is that enough, when you know there's an ocean outside? Do you think that well is an ocean? You confine your world...
And if you have no emotions...how can you live fully?
I went through this stage already...just did. I will use my "no emotion" armour when I need to...but not always.
I'll be okay, ge.
The sadness of the song "Because I'm Weary"... somehow, the melody in the background of tonight (this morning)... I feel so sad for you.
I want to touch you with my sincerity. I want to wrap your heart until it unfreezes.
But how can I do that when you're already so far gone? How can I, when you have left me so long ago?
Seven years ago...has it been only seven years since you were in high school?
It seems like such a long time ago.
This unfulfillable desire to reach you, it makes me sad.
Our entire syntax, our language is different. We are in the same planet, but what I speak, the images and feelings I want to invoke, I think you will never look at them. And even if you do, they'll never seem the way in my world and in your world.
Even though you're only one room away, there is a line between us which separates us into different dimensions.
We're such lonely people. You and I. But unfortunately, even so, we are lonely, we will not be each others companions.
At least not right now. Slowly slowly we will come to understand each other, I feel.
We're too lonely without each other.
But for now...I want to rest away from you. I don't want to think what I done tonight was encouraging your wrong ways or not. Because I'm weary...
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