Without a doubt

Truthfully, this world seems to be a million puzzle pieces sometimes, and if you tread on them too boldly, it seems like you can fall into the abyss.
But without a doubt, we fit each other. Without a doubt, I am yours, and I more than believe you are mine. I have faith in you. Without a doubt, I can rest on you.

That's all I wanted to say. :)

sigh.

So everyone has probably been asked what they found physically attracting about someone.

And to be honest, for a very long time that just confused me. After all, wouldn't, well, everything, be pretty much there somewhere, if we're talking about an ideal? It'd be great if the person just looked...good. But anyway, the answer I usually get to that question is: eyes or skin or hair or clothing or body shape or sometimes lips (never the nose, as it were, and why is this? Is the thing squat in the middle of our face not important?...or is just me that never heard that answer before?)

But today I was watching Genie (3d version came out. Oh whoop, right? But I think I'll just love that song forever, and no song by Soshi can replace it ever again? Seriously.) and suddenly a phrase popped into my head. You know "arresting eyes"? I always thought that as, say, an angry authority (police officer, teacher, parent etc.) glaring at you, locking you in place.

For the entire song I was basically like, mm, yeah sure, they look nice, but then Taeyeon goes and makes me fangirl. (Honestly I've stopped fangirling for a very long time.) But seriously, WHAT IS IT WITH SELF-SATIFIED SMIRKS?! augh. Gets me EVERY TIME. And by now you're saying: smirks = eyes? What?

It's just that moment where she looks at you and dismisses you. Or looks at you and smirks confidently. Gives a whole new definition to "arresting".

Changmin does the same thing. My god.

So yes, now I know what is my turn on. Asshole confidence? Great.

Quote: Ellen Kim

quote:

"Never forget or regret the past. Live for the present and the future. Create yourself and don't let anyone define you."

- Ellen Kim, choreographer

Love's Song

Ai no Uta - ELT
wasn't part of my soundtrack in that part of life...but the melody suits well.
The lyrics might not match so well either, with the reason why I was inspired to walk down this reminiscent road.

Is it that reminiscing is a lonely thing in general, or was it because I was so alone, that period which I am reminiscing?
That period which I felt so strongly, which I was such a silly little girl desperately looking for love.
Desperate... people need to stop using that word so easily and mockingly to describe everyone (same as "rape"...your exam "raped" you? Did it violate you in and leave you feeling colder than stone, where becoming non-existent like the wind was the preference to an irremovable dirt? No? Then no.)
But anyhow, I think I was...desperate. No friends, family a mess...
Honestly I am not saying I don't see where my transformation came from: in puberty I sat in front of the computer and grew fat. I know where my body weight comes from (asides from gene or whatnot). I don't want to blame anyone... it just was.
This morning I was thinking whether "life was fair" or not. My original thought was:
In detail, no. In the larger picture, yes.

But then I thought: actually, the world is neither fair nor unfair. It just...is. So...that might be why it's "fair"..? Things just happen...and they happen.

I could blame my parents for not forcing me to join stuff, my brother for being...him, but I also had myself to blame. Even if I was a child, who didn't think with prudence.
Does that make me not responsible? Then perhaps it wasn't my family's responsibility either.

Those sort of thoughts...

Today on Facebook I saw my brother's comment, I don't know if he's serious.
But it brought back all these memories of this period. It feels like it's been ages. I am now a different person. Content, with friends, growing confidence little by little. But somehow those words swept me right back to my twelve year old self.

Drunk with a clandestine love, thankfully I suppose given what was happening in our family at that time, scared. Lonely.
Scared. Lonely. Alone. Lonely.
I can tell no one... because there was no one there with me at that time. Of course I could tell a friend now, but it's just not the same. They were not with me (if they were, I might not have walked the path I did...)

I guess, however, when reminiscing truly, I can always go back to my first fan fiction and cringe at the most terrible writing and constant interference in author notes DURING THE READING.
And I wondered why I didn't get reviews...(I am most amused I got any. I guess..perseverance does do miracles.) I can't even get through it because it's so terrible.

...
For a second there I loved a corpse.


EDIT: Why do I feel like it's necessary to defend and clarify myself...even to myself?
There is a power to words, I think...?
Back to point: it was only for a moment. I am back to myself now. Cringing at everything.

Stranger

Recently I just did a facebook quiz, and I once again rediscovered why I do not prefer doing online quizzes. I think very seriously when asked a question about my intrapersonal self (I think by this statement I am finally admitting for the first time for being an introvert? ...Usually I hesitate, knowing my extrovert tendencies as well...but since I'm going to go into this exact topic, I'll save it for later.) and as such I usually don't understand the question being asked-- I commonly find them not specific enough.

Anyway, in this quiz, the question was (something to the likes of) "Who do you trust?":
a) Family
b) Friends
c) Strangers
d) don't remember...

And I was wondering: what do you mean, who do I trust? With my life or my secrets?
But what caught my interest was, (I supposed the question meant secrets-- no one thinks about life and death consciously if they can help it, it seems, especially not for a light thing such as a facebook quiz) and I was surprised followed by being mildly amused and delighted at the answer "Stranger"...because I realize I do have that tendency.

That is, I really like my friends, but I feel comfortable saying my problems to people unrelated to the problem. And I feel freer to say more things in my scope of experience to strangers.
And right, I suppose that's it, the freedom to be however I want to be. I guess I'm just addicted to it...but the thing is, there are so many strangers out there, I would never run out of supply, if one thinks about it.
Of course, I need my friends. To hang out, to play with, to grow with etc. But I'm just saying, strangers are...the feeling of a blank page which sometimes you just need, because you have filled out your pages with your friends and family. And you are expected to draw in a certain way, use certain colours and so on.

I suppose I was inspired to write this after I talked to a friend today and we were deciding whether to go to get bubble tea at the CSA gen.meeting.... and I realized I really did not care to go.
Seriously, if I knew no one, maybe. But people I knew, who were friends with other people-- no?

The Engraving on my iPod: Prudence

When I ordered a macbook pro like everyone else going to university taking advantage of the offer, I spent a lot of time (typical of me) to think about what to engrave.
In the end, my ipod now says:

Happiness. Passion.
Prudence. Serenity.

And yesterday a past teacher of mine said he valued prudence very highly. As it isn't a very common word in daily speech, I thought of my iPod... And was reminded of the words I engraved.

I searched up the word in my handy dictionary inbuilt to the macbook, and the definition was:
Prudent (Prudence is the noun)
Acting with, or showing care and thought for the future.

I think when I engraved it, it was more of a "think before you speak"...with a little thought to thinking before acting.
But now I take my word to: work hard in school and for my future.

The words meant a lot to me, and now less so. People keep on changing... But I know the imagery each word invoked in my mind in the past... Simply, now is less...strong..? I place less weight to each thought. Generally.

Thanksgiving was good. I played FFXII which was fun :) and I had lunch with my brother, which was good even if we said very little.

I want fruits...shall I buy some...tomorrow...?

I Can Smell the Cigarettes

I can smell the cigarettes;
But why? Since you ought be too far
For my nose t'sense this dreaded scent,
Sickly distance (my shield of sanity) falls to lark.
No plum fresh'ner nor perfume,
If rids the reek, will mend the wreck
between you and I 'til tomb;
'tween us is a too forte a cleft.
Pernicious youthful decisions,
de facto more strong since
tender brains 'er fertile to fissions
deeper, bridged by naught but blood, but chance--
Shame!-- hear the halfwit's heart hold hope
to, like no mortal, walk on water.

--
I can't find something which fits on the last couplet.
I know the meter isn't right...but I worked hard on this. So, I am proud.