Palpitation

How am I supposed to sleep right now? So excited...두근두근...
Lol, seriously. Okay, so I was like: NEED SOME RELAX CHILL TIME. To Mom.
And she interrupted me like 3 times. At first I was sort of angry. The second time was like: more angry. The third time we both laughed.
Because it was pads? She's more worried than me, probably.

Okay, but seriously I don't think I'm worried, perse.

See? That was two more times in less than a minute. Wow. Okay. My elbows touch wood as I'm typing this. End. 끝!!!!!!!

There's definitely something about packing which drives me on overdrive. I remember I didn't sleep when I was packing to go to Univ this year, and in the end I still forgot stuff. It was nutty, I fell asleep in the car even though it killed my "fishing" neck.

Okay. Chatting. Relaxing. Kissing You remixes wearing off....

sleepy time?

Christmas Holidays

Has began. Living with mom has been good so far (3 days).
Going to NY in 12 days. Went to the gym twice (1 and a half?). Saw Victor. Read Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay "Heroism" from Essays: First Series (1841). Interesting. Maybe I should freewrite something. If only GS3 was not taking up my life.

I wonder if people surrounded by people who scoff at the arts but take history are taking it because they know that whatever they take in undergrad doesn't matter that much.
What matters is you get damn.good.marks.

...Focus. FOCUS

Not a secret

Secretly, I really enjoy doing dorky things some people would think is retarded. Like rocking out to music and playing "air drums" when I have no sense of rhythm really.

But hey, makes me grin.

Don't look at it in the face

Exams, dad's email that I have to reply, Residence Fee thing not yet set back to normal (wtf, sigh), Brother.

How am I going to face dad when I know so little?
It's not like I can't just go pick up myself and go find out stuff. If only I was just less lazy.

Sloth is evil, I swear.

A bout on Art

Art. A one syllable word. (Gramatically, it should be "an" one...I suppose, but "A" sounds better. In which case, why not make it a sentence fragment and take away that indefinite article, you may ask? Well...)
Is it me, or are monosyllabic words indicative of necessity, of the primal? Not necessarily the other way around (for example, water is two syllables in English...although in French it is l'eau...so... well... and in Chinese it's "sui" so...)

Art is everywhere, and today as I was looking at the plunger of the shower stall, anything. Silence, noise, beauty, ugliness... everything can be surreal, as long as the beholder is observing it without his (or her) usual perception.
Seth Godin said in Linchpin that Art is a personal gift that changes the recipient. And it is in the intent, and it is creation.
As he is saying this, perhaps typically, I'm thinking of the story in my brain, which I have not writ for yet.
Truthfully there is a doubt in my brain I shall ever start. When I try, I hit a wall...
I understand that I must break through that wall to be a writer. But...I am lazy at the moment? There are a lot of reasons why I must write this story though. For myself, mostly.
Yet I can't help but dream these useless dreams about it; fame, how to make it enjoyable to people. I wish I wouldn't? Because it's not really helpful. And I want to believe I want to write because... I want to write the story, I think people can enjoy it.
;;Sigh

More notes on Godin's Linchpin:
- The most visceral art is direct. Agreed...? Most of the time? Perhaps I'm not getting the image of art correctly.
- Passion is the desire and insistence and willingness to give a gift.

(mind swings to another direction completely)

Mostly today I am wondering why people are so jealous and selfish? Godin mentions the Poverty Mentality "If I give you something, it costs me what I gave you. The more you have, the less I have. The more I share, the more I lose."
Yes. Very true.
And today, I realized my roommate might be an easily jealous person.
And how yesterday I am a jealous person.
And how today, I still might be a jealous person. Although....I think that might be curiosity as opposed to jealousy.
(mindswing)
Me me me. Everything is about me. I can't help it.? I want to grow interest in other people too. Otherwise the world is small.
But I find this difficult because... how do you make yourself interested in anything? Make?
In subjects, maybe by reading about them.
So in people, is it just asking more about them?
(Snowing like endless amounts of sugar outside. The sparkle...unlike Salt...)
(mindswing)
Linchpin: The combination of passion and art. People with passion loof for ways to make things happen.
(mindswing)
Generosity...

As a result of our selfish poverty mentality, despite (some of us) feeling a gaping hole, which we're at the edge of, only a minority acknowledge and promote it: the need for the humane, the human touch of the personal.

...Does this relate to what I was talking about earlier in regards to the people? How to be interested in people..?

Paradise Lost

Just came out of English Class, and while I appreciate our professor's defense of Eve, I have to disagree with him thinking Milton thought along the same lines.
Really, you can't just hold what details he put in and ignore his entire tone. It's great for an essay, maybe, but to teach a class?

Got me thinking how irritated I'd be talking to a misogynistic ass. Or worse, having to marry one, say, Milton? That's not to say I don't secretly love the thought of harmonic male/female relationships (hopefully with the male in lead, but why? Maybe because I'm lazy? Maybe because it's bred in me growing up? No idea.)

Mostly I thought about how unhearing hatred is something terrible. But then I thought about my brother, and apathy/pessimism, or apathetic pessimism which pisses me off to no end, and how I have little/none patience with it.

Should I rethink it...?
Maybe some other time... Sleepy.

So, secretly,

I should be working on my essay. Obviously, I am not.

So, secretly, or maybe not so secretly, most girls (Asian girls more prone to this? No idea) want to be effortlessly beautiful.
Or maybe me. And some other people I know. (Not, say, my friends, because who the hell would admit that? But they tell me they know other people who are like that- and I'm just surprised when they say that. My reply is usually something like: yeah, that's me, you aren't?) Anywho...

... Maybe it's not Asian, they just have to have been watching anime and seeing just "that" girl who is a hard ass or nerd who's a softy inside and somehow this magical variant of Edward Cullen sees through it and vows to protect her and love her.

I swear this needs to begin young, so the girl who is watching is like: it's okay, it doesn't matter how I end up looking like, because the magical guy will come for me. They know/think most guys as "shallow" and only care about appearances, but they don't care about that much, they're waiting for Mr. Right to show up. Mr. Right, who they might dislike at first, but eventually, at appoximately the same time, they will fall in love. Mr. Right will have a cinematic as well as unnaturally perceptive eye, and somehow slow time, on a random time he looks at her, say, once when she is tucking her hair behind her ears, or studying, or sleeping (this is slightly creepy, of course, it would need good reason-- say, he saved her, or...she's sleeping in class or something. Something better than a stalker who's looking at her while she's sleeping inside her freaking bedroom-- it still confuses me why Twihards aren't creeped out by this...but...hey, they're okay with human/inhuman (albeit humanoid) relationship and pedophelia, and love at first sight, so what is a little dangerous creeping?)

The girl will also be able to eat all she wants, but stay ridiculously thin and fit (like, Sailor Moon?)

How was I ever this girl?

I'm not saying this doesn't happen to a lucky few, but someone, anyone, could have told me it wasn't going to happen by the time I was...what.. 14? 15?... 16? I'm not sure if age is what I mean is the "wake-up call"... but more like...the unreality of it could have maybe smacked me?

Or maybe it did. Maybe it does, to that dreaming girl.

And what happens after it creeps into her subconscious, or the darker layer of consciousness, is that she starts becoming... 'desperate'.
Because by this time she had abandoned years of caring for her physical self, and knowing she doesn't compare to some others, she begins to... well, act in desperate ways. I don't know exactly how this might be. But I think I might these might be manifestations of it:
1) A sudden obsession with her physical appearance. Fashion, make-up, dieting become suddenly important. Really. Important. Anorexic important.
2) A sudden ...flirtiness? with all guys, any guy, or guys they set their eyes on. Some might deny it, but...

I think it results in serious unhealthiness. And health is attractive.

Actually, a few times I have already realized this. And have consciously worked to get away from it.
Proudly, I can say, I am actually getting away from this unhealthy, frankly what I'd call ridiculous, mindset.
Although, I do see signs of myself wanting to do this sometimes. Thankfully, I see it and I stop it... or prevent it, but what happens is that I become really quiet. Ah well. Slowly changing.

Quite proud.

....See how I spend a ludicrous amount of time typing about silly thoughts like these and congratulating myself while my books are in front of me, reminding me I have a freaking essay to right.

Christ.

GOT: HP Cast?!

http://imgur.com/Leedj.jpg

Might be just me, but it suddenly came to my head that these three are sort of exactly how the Tully siblings might look like. Bonnie Wright as Catelyn ...and Evanna Lynch as Lysa.

anywho..

To My Friends (an imaginary toast to them)

To My Friends:

There is a saying which means something along the lines of: who you surround yourself with tells something about yourself.
So anyway, I was showering one day thinking (and I do come with many thoughts in the shower, I know not where this idiosyncrasy comes from) about my worth as a person. I couldn't immediately come up with traits, as it were, and as the mind goes, I suddenly thought of you guys.
And I felt happy. The more I thought about it, the happier I got. Basically, because regardless how blind or bereft I am of whatever excellent qualities...I can't be that bad because I have pretty good friends.
It's logic, really: really disagreeable people don't have good friends, I'm pretty sure. So if I am good enough to have my friends as you guys are, I can't be that bad.

To Victor: My dear friend, the one who walked with me on random nights talking about our stories which we will definitely write one day. For being a bloody smith, and an art student- my admirations to that, and congratulations you've found the path you feel is right for you. And my sisterly love I promise.
To Priscilla: For everything in first year university the most, for everything before and everything to come, I trust. We will be friends forever.
To Michelle: Simply for your outstanding steel in balancing your academics, which show your natural brilliance, and your athletics. You simply amaze me.
To Dora: From fashion, dancing, knitting, buying and selling online, academics to being fourth dimensional with your rather lame puns-- honestly (need I say more?) And yes, you are, for goodness' sakes, pretty if not darn gorgeous. A palette of talents, and will to use them all, apparently, to boot: I doubt I'll be able to keep up with everything you do-- thankfully I'm not nearly as pressurized as you.
To Michael: For being disappointed with a NINETY SOMETHING PERCENT AVERAGE in University. Honestly. What.the.hell? For being curious about me, trying to keep in touch. I'm sorry if I suck at responding. For being a helpful guy in general. For having the courage and will to change from business (arts) to science entirely. Good luck, I believe you can do it. You are intelligent, and regardless what you say, I think you know it true.
To Alana: I will never forget what I was when I first met you. The vampire girl with the yellow raincoat jacket. You brought me out of it. No one can replace you to me, if I've ever disappointed you, I'm sorry. I'm still growing, I'm still learning how to be better. I love you, and you once said we were sisters-- I don't know how true you thought it, but you are dear to me. You're courageous and fun to most if not all, but to me you are more. ...but Taylor still scares me.
To Angela: Honestly I don't know how I mix up your name with Aggie's sometimes, but you are my oldest friend. Since grade 4?5? We are different, but similar in some respects. I remember there was a time I thought we were polar opposites in every respect-- but I don't remember why now besides I liked dogs and you liked cats. But I won't forget it was with you whom I phoned the crazy "Stop Bullying" people. Or the eagle picture, or the heron on your roof (do you even remember that?) You have a core, I think, that I identify with. Don't grow too far from me, keep in bloody touch damn it. INVITE ME TO YOUR DAMN HOUSE. XD
To Agatha: I don't know what to say. You are serious and silly all in one. Serious when you're doing stuff, like DECA-ing, or when we're talking about "seriouser" stuff (i.e. plans for the future, universities etc.)...and silly like the other 95% of the time. WHAT DO YOU MEANNNN you are going to get killed by eating a burger? WHAT DO YOU MEANNN about not knowing "guy #50" likes you? Stop leading people on, honestly. Not that you're not a source of entertainment when I talk to you.

What an extremely long imaginary toast which I will probably not say because of its length...
Well, drink to that sad thought.
And a drink to my friends for being as they are.
And a drink to me, for my good fortune.

(Hear, hear!)

Procrastination

Why am I procrastinating?
Care a lot about my friend who's going through a tough phase...
And am I bloody jealous? Marry! Yeah I am, oh well, only slightly and in passing. I think.
Listening to Sherlock Holmes OST. I like it! It's so peculiar...

Why am I procrastinating lately? The will to perfect something...
I don't have it? ...Craft which you perfect... the will to perfect...instead of burnout at the end...
Sigh.

Lessons:
1) Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses
2) Make those strengths distinct enough, so you are a remarkable individual by those particulars.

Cheerfulness, Sharing

Just finished talked to my aunt. And thought about what we spoke about it.
I think I'm still going in the right direction...? (Where was I headed anyway? I can't remember anymore...?!) But now I will also focus to be cheerful and learn the joys the sharing.

I have a heart and mind clenched by darkness. Darkness being...greed, and fearful protection of self? Why is that? Is that the reason why I keep on running and scribbling on new sheets? Until they realize I'm not who I am, and I feel they realize and augh.

Cheerfulness, think about how to be less of a SL and more of a 소녀.... Yup!!

Hehe...;; She also said I was a pretty girl, that all I need is to be cheerful and less complicated. If only I could just snap my fingers and all I could do was change.

Mm... Michael said that I should focus less on my weaknesses and trying to change and more on my strength.

I don't think they are opposing points though.

Listening to: Kelly Chan - 微光

Mirror

Just went on Soshified.
The girls have grown so much...since their debut. It makes me reflect on myself...
Their debut with Into the New World, and I was in grade...10?11?
It's been a really long time. They've grown so much, I feel like in comparison I haven't.
Of course I suppose one can say "you can't compare working as a celebrity to being a student"...but ...why not?
I've grown, but holy ;laksdfj. I guess it's just ...I have grown, and that's why I realize they really don't need protection from their fans. They have grown, or is it I have grown?

I guess we both grew.

Okay. Hard work...hard work! Go~!

If something touches you... (Tabula Rasa)

My belief is if something can touch you you can relate to it. Not a wild-out-of-the-world idea right?

So sometimes it touches you so much you'd like to write about it.

Anyway, this I read in a book somewhere before. "How to Be Good" by Nick Hornby actually. It's a metaphor made by the protagonist of the story (may I say that this book is about a woman in a troubled marriage? With a spiritual healer which annoys her? How do I relate, you ask, but I verily do...somehow) on how her life with her husband was like a sheet of paper all filled out, and she wanted an affair not because she liked the other guy, or less because she wanted to feel the spark of "adventure" and "scandal" in her mundane life, but because she just wanted a new sheet of paper to draw on. To work on. Because the one she made with her husband was filled up all the way to the corners and she didn't like the picture.

(I read that book ages ago, that I still remember it says something, no?) But seriously, that metaphor gave me the chills. Because I felt it so, so deeply and easily. In other words, I knew exactly how she felt (well maybe not with the husband and two kids and spiritual healer, but the paper analogy...)


And I realized... for myself I think I am a chalkboard. For the longest time I've been having ideas, but I never enacted on any of them, for fear of how other people look at me or whatever. What I didn't know (or acknowledge... secret subconscious knowledge doesn't count?) was that Time was a tricky bastard and draws for you while you're not looking. Or trying. So when I looked on the sheet of paper that "could have been" I only think: well, I didn't draw that. I could have drawn what I wanted, only I didn't.

Well, I woke up and I realized that's really worse. Worse than not trying to draw. To create myself.

Thankfully I'm still (quite) young and now I want to fill out the paper how I want it. There's been a dozen metaphors on this: write the story of your life, model your own life (as in it's like clay?) and etc...
Sorry. Got carried away.

Anyway, I intend to snatch the Pen (or if I were a chalkboard, chalk) back from Time, and put him in his place, on a pedestal, but not on my back with a handed saddle. (That might have made no sense at all...)

...And that's all jolly good right? Well, so it is. Only... I still fear being too different. For example, recently I had an urge to speak (try to anyhow) in Shakespearian English. Why not? I thought, besides from the obvious, it'd at least force me to think thrice before I speak, and make me learn new vocabulary.
Well the obvious won out. But I couldn't hold my Muse... but that is mine secret.

Without a doubt

Truthfully, this world seems to be a million puzzle pieces sometimes, and if you tread on them too boldly, it seems like you can fall into the abyss.
But without a doubt, we fit each other. Without a doubt, I am yours, and I more than believe you are mine. I have faith in you. Without a doubt, I can rest on you.

That's all I wanted to say. :)

sigh.

So everyone has probably been asked what they found physically attracting about someone.

And to be honest, for a very long time that just confused me. After all, wouldn't, well, everything, be pretty much there somewhere, if we're talking about an ideal? It'd be great if the person just looked...good. But anyway, the answer I usually get to that question is: eyes or skin or hair or clothing or body shape or sometimes lips (never the nose, as it were, and why is this? Is the thing squat in the middle of our face not important?...or is just me that never heard that answer before?)

But today I was watching Genie (3d version came out. Oh whoop, right? But I think I'll just love that song forever, and no song by Soshi can replace it ever again? Seriously.) and suddenly a phrase popped into my head. You know "arresting eyes"? I always thought that as, say, an angry authority (police officer, teacher, parent etc.) glaring at you, locking you in place.

For the entire song I was basically like, mm, yeah sure, they look nice, but then Taeyeon goes and makes me fangirl. (Honestly I've stopped fangirling for a very long time.) But seriously, WHAT IS IT WITH SELF-SATIFIED SMIRKS?! augh. Gets me EVERY TIME. And by now you're saying: smirks = eyes? What?

It's just that moment where she looks at you and dismisses you. Or looks at you and smirks confidently. Gives a whole new definition to "arresting".

Changmin does the same thing. My god.

So yes, now I know what is my turn on. Asshole confidence? Great.

Quote: Ellen Kim

quote:

"Never forget or regret the past. Live for the present and the future. Create yourself and don't let anyone define you."

- Ellen Kim, choreographer

Love's Song

Ai no Uta - ELT
wasn't part of my soundtrack in that part of life...but the melody suits well.
The lyrics might not match so well either, with the reason why I was inspired to walk down this reminiscent road.

Is it that reminiscing is a lonely thing in general, or was it because I was so alone, that period which I am reminiscing?
That period which I felt so strongly, which I was such a silly little girl desperately looking for love.
Desperate... people need to stop using that word so easily and mockingly to describe everyone (same as "rape"...your exam "raped" you? Did it violate you in and leave you feeling colder than stone, where becoming non-existent like the wind was the preference to an irremovable dirt? No? Then no.)
But anyhow, I think I was...desperate. No friends, family a mess...
Honestly I am not saying I don't see where my transformation came from: in puberty I sat in front of the computer and grew fat. I know where my body weight comes from (asides from gene or whatnot). I don't want to blame anyone... it just was.
This morning I was thinking whether "life was fair" or not. My original thought was:
In detail, no. In the larger picture, yes.

But then I thought: actually, the world is neither fair nor unfair. It just...is. So...that might be why it's "fair"..? Things just happen...and they happen.

I could blame my parents for not forcing me to join stuff, my brother for being...him, but I also had myself to blame. Even if I was a child, who didn't think with prudence.
Does that make me not responsible? Then perhaps it wasn't my family's responsibility either.

Those sort of thoughts...

Today on Facebook I saw my brother's comment, I don't know if he's serious.
But it brought back all these memories of this period. It feels like it's been ages. I am now a different person. Content, with friends, growing confidence little by little. But somehow those words swept me right back to my twelve year old self.

Drunk with a clandestine love, thankfully I suppose given what was happening in our family at that time, scared. Lonely.
Scared. Lonely. Alone. Lonely.
I can tell no one... because there was no one there with me at that time. Of course I could tell a friend now, but it's just not the same. They were not with me (if they were, I might not have walked the path I did...)

I guess, however, when reminiscing truly, I can always go back to my first fan fiction and cringe at the most terrible writing and constant interference in author notes DURING THE READING.
And I wondered why I didn't get reviews...(I am most amused I got any. I guess..perseverance does do miracles.) I can't even get through it because it's so terrible.

...
For a second there I loved a corpse.


EDIT: Why do I feel like it's necessary to defend and clarify myself...even to myself?
There is a power to words, I think...?
Back to point: it was only for a moment. I am back to myself now. Cringing at everything.

Stranger

Recently I just did a facebook quiz, and I once again rediscovered why I do not prefer doing online quizzes. I think very seriously when asked a question about my intrapersonal self (I think by this statement I am finally admitting for the first time for being an introvert? ...Usually I hesitate, knowing my extrovert tendencies as well...but since I'm going to go into this exact topic, I'll save it for later.) and as such I usually don't understand the question being asked-- I commonly find them not specific enough.

Anyway, in this quiz, the question was (something to the likes of) "Who do you trust?":
a) Family
b) Friends
c) Strangers
d) don't remember...

And I was wondering: what do you mean, who do I trust? With my life or my secrets?
But what caught my interest was, (I supposed the question meant secrets-- no one thinks about life and death consciously if they can help it, it seems, especially not for a light thing such as a facebook quiz) and I was surprised followed by being mildly amused and delighted at the answer "Stranger"...because I realize I do have that tendency.

That is, I really like my friends, but I feel comfortable saying my problems to people unrelated to the problem. And I feel freer to say more things in my scope of experience to strangers.
And right, I suppose that's it, the freedom to be however I want to be. I guess I'm just addicted to it...but the thing is, there are so many strangers out there, I would never run out of supply, if one thinks about it.
Of course, I need my friends. To hang out, to play with, to grow with etc. But I'm just saying, strangers are...the feeling of a blank page which sometimes you just need, because you have filled out your pages with your friends and family. And you are expected to draw in a certain way, use certain colours and so on.

I suppose I was inspired to write this after I talked to a friend today and we were deciding whether to go to get bubble tea at the CSA gen.meeting.... and I realized I really did not care to go.
Seriously, if I knew no one, maybe. But people I knew, who were friends with other people-- no?

The Engraving on my iPod: Prudence

When I ordered a macbook pro like everyone else going to university taking advantage of the offer, I spent a lot of time (typical of me) to think about what to engrave.
In the end, my ipod now says:

Happiness. Passion.
Prudence. Serenity.

And yesterday a past teacher of mine said he valued prudence very highly. As it isn't a very common word in daily speech, I thought of my iPod... And was reminded of the words I engraved.

I searched up the word in my handy dictionary inbuilt to the macbook, and the definition was:
Prudent (Prudence is the noun)
Acting with, or showing care and thought for the future.

I think when I engraved it, it was more of a "think before you speak"...with a little thought to thinking before acting.
But now I take my word to: work hard in school and for my future.

The words meant a lot to me, and now less so. People keep on changing... But I know the imagery each word invoked in my mind in the past... Simply, now is less...strong..? I place less weight to each thought. Generally.

Thanksgiving was good. I played FFXII which was fun :) and I had lunch with my brother, which was good even if we said very little.

I want fruits...shall I buy some...tomorrow...?

I Can Smell the Cigarettes

I can smell the cigarettes;
But why? Since you ought be too far
For my nose t'sense this dreaded scent,
Sickly distance (my shield of sanity) falls to lark.
No plum fresh'ner nor perfume,
If rids the reek, will mend the wreck
between you and I 'til tomb;
'tween us is a too forte a cleft.
Pernicious youthful decisions,
de facto more strong since
tender brains 'er fertile to fissions
deeper, bridged by naught but blood, but chance--
Shame!-- hear the halfwit's heart hold hope
to, like no mortal, walk on water.

--
I can't find something which fits on the last couplet.
I know the meter isn't right...but I worked hard on this. So, I am proud.

When I Forget, just Smile, with Teeth and Eyes.

Affected by another blog entry I read and follow. (Check out: http://itsyunotme.blogspot.com/-- saw this girl write a funny article in The Standard when I was in HK and saw she had a blog and bam. Yeah. The rest, they say is history (? never quite got this but whatever. I don't get a lot of sayings.)

I feel so small and mean.
I know this is my weakness, so I think it is necessary for be to be in a physically better shape to build my confidence.

You know, the sad thing is that so many that know me my age would say it's a stupid notion I'm going through. That Every One Is Beautiful Naturally. But that's just not true. People differ in levels of beauty. And there ARE people out there who are beautiful outside and inside.

I should aim to be like that. I do feel affected by this already, daily, and I have gone through the stage of intense mental burnouts way too many times in my life to know it doesn't work. So...I guess I am happy, even though I have eaten late for two nights in a row now.

But really, two nights, I think I can live with myself. And so on with three nights...but I don't want three nights.

It's hard, sometimes, to remind myself of the good feeling and hopes I have for this new school year. How excited I was this summer (I actually ran in joy to my room when I moved in after the driver went away.) I could feel the back of my brain saying I might look really silly, but I was honestly that happy. And today (or was it yesterday?) as I was going back towards my residence I tried to summon that feeling again and failed.

Of course, I know as well as anyone feelings can't be 'summoned.' How many times have I wish I could record feelings and play them? But you can't, you can only hold on to bits of it through the memory, and then later with the help of songs and scents. At least for me. (I was walking through the rec centre and through the ice rink when I remembered the smell, I think, vaguely reminded me of my youth...in grade 3 where I would go skating sometimes with the class. What happened to those? And I also thought: I really did grow up here. Why am I not seriously whitewashed? I SKATED for gods sake. As a child.)

I can't even remember how I felt with Ellen anymore. Or...I can remember, but I definitely don't feel it anymore.
Which makes sense. It's been seven years. (Note this in future story which I will write~)

Sometimes I want to blame my parents. I love my parents, and anyone who knows me a pinch would know...but... uncle mike said something which got me to really think: if parents are happy then their children will naturally become happy. And the gods knows my parents were not happy. But I still think my brother ought to take responsibility over himself.

How come people love things that can be so awful and broken and with sharp edges? I think in my scenario, it's just time. Time makes attachment and love. With my friend, I think she's just masochistic. She enjoys the pain, the ride of up and down down down and up and down. But... I'm not like that.

I really want to be healthy and happy.

Woah. I just tried to type what else I wanted to be and that brought up: intelligent and deep philosophically, cool... and then a highly contrasting image of charismatic and passionate.
It seems like two jarring opposites. But I realize I have the potential to be those things (I sort of am already, but I can be more in each aspect. There is no perfection after all.)

I don't want to be: stereotypical. I don't want to stereotype... I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I do that... but I do. I judge base on appearance, so much. And it's my weakness, which I will change...but slowly, forgiving myself. And also, I will adapt by appearing better myself.

I don't know whether it's because of who I hang out with: where anything mainstream is frowned upon unless it's Unarguable-With (such as: kindness is good...or something like that, because if anyone claimed it was Unarguable I'd probably demand a further explanation...augh...see??!) but I feel ashamed to say aloud I want to be physically become fit and look better. I should not be. The human body is so precious, why is it there must be a division between those who favour the body against the mind (stereotypically, the good looking jock/cheerleader/ against the nerd-with-a-good-mind-and-heart.... seriously. I need to trash this out.) As Gloria said, there ARE people who are just good. Inside and out.

I just need to remind myself. The thing is like... well, it's like my physical state actually. Every time I stretch, I reach my boundaries so soon. And sometimes I just start getting numb because I don't stretch so often. It's sort of pathetic, I know, but it's exactly it as well. I try not to look down on myself when compared to others, because I am sure there is something about me which is better or just as good. I am equal or what it is we're all taught (but as you can see, it just cracked there. It's not easy to just change one's perspective like "that")

Just smile. With teeth and eyes.

Wolf and Dreams

Firstly, I believe this is more fitting in my physical journal than this blog. Nevertheless, I am too lazy to get out of bed and write it, which will take a longer time.

The wolf is back, and I feel so secure this time, for a long time. It seems like I regained the ability to think, furthermore, I have also gained new experience, so my scope is broader.

I will make him stay there, even when I am with other people.

Does this mean what I feed off will revert? Enjoy the light pleasantries, and not so much the depth of people?

Perhaps. Depending on how close I am to them, perhaps? This will need a bit of thinking.

Conclusion on this: ...Useful for analysis purpose. I can also give lend my ear to most, and my heart to those I choose. Discriminate, basically.

Is this what I already do though, I wonder.

Well I guess the basic difference between these two perspectives is: the crave. I no longer crave. Truly. Even in my heart, where the wolf lays around now.

Banawah's msn name is: don't just follow your dreams, chase after them.

Does this apply to her?

Analysis purposes...I had talked to her.

Anyway, more important, I would just like to make a retort, in a sense, or at least, a reply:

The cliche to dare to dream...dare is the word because you need to sacrifice to be great. And all dreams are great, at least to the dreamer.

Chasing after them would require...sacrifice, courage, perseverance. Self-motivation, not being dragged and pushed.

Wolf, guide me well. I am your master- I am master of myself- but I will need you in truth now. Let's destroy the weaknesses of the old me, and accomplish the dream.

On light-heartedness:

These are good. I am allowed them. They help me live longer and enjoy life. I am a gemini, I have two sides. One is the sun, the affection and the other is the wolf.

All I need is mastery of both, and to know my limit, and as my mom said: be strong enough to say no. And as my dad said: know when to stop playing.

I do know, and I will need strength to stop- give me the clarity and strength and will to stop appropriately, wolf.

Tears of a broken rose

A bad time. Still.

Listening: Rose, NANA's first opening. Anna Tsuchiya

In this darkness, feeling small, knowing wrong, I cry.

Nobody can save me, and I don't want anyone to save me.

I need your love.

I'm a broken rose.

If my tears can shame you to not leave me,

then that is these tears' purpose.

I need your love,

if my tears can shame your soul,

if that's the price for you to stay,

then I will cry.

I need your love, I know

it's no longer true and healthy.

But I'm a broken rose.

I need your love,

even a broken rose still has its thorns.

These tears that shame my self,

if that's what will keep you, if

that's what only keeps you, I will cry them.

Because I'm Weary

If now isn't the time to write a blog entry, when is?

My diary is not here, and it's better to catch this when the memory is fresh as those oysters I just ate.

My brother came home drunk, I was still awake (it was 2:47AM in the morning or so) and working on my Korean speech. I was tired, listening to "Because I'm Weary" from the Kongbu eh Shin OST. Was going to sleep.

And then he told me he wanted some Viet pho. I called him a crazy bitch, but he said otherwise he was going to drive. So I went out with him.

I let him drive. I stood for a while, not letting him, my legs shaking, my teeth eventually chattering. Shudders of coldness. But I let him drive. Did I let something go? Did I give him permission?

Karen Ling. Why.

And so we went to 100 (or whatever, the hot pot place) and he said...something. Something about him smarter than me. Some words of advice.

His past made him numb, he replied, when I asked him how he could feel nothing.

I told him I stole all his emotions, I have too much and he too little. And he said something about I'll learn my lessons in time, and he'll be watching, like how he watched the television.

I don't give a fuck about any of that. Almost. I have my own life...

Ge, are you sad?

Ge, are you tired? Are you weary?

Ge, your life... are you really satisfied?

Ge, I think from tonight, I see something about you finally. You are a control freak.

You want to have everything under your control, you want your knowledge to be secure. You want to be able to say: I know everything in my life right now.

But you don't. You don't know me.

You don't know my dreams.

That already is a flaw to your perfect knowledge about everything.

Dad once said you were a skeptic... this image I have....

I see a young boy who think he knows everything but is ultimately lost.

Unless I don't matter to you. Unless you mean "knowledge of my life"... are you that selfish? As in...full of the self only?

Isn't that such an obvious question? Yes, I know.

Are you ever weary?

I love you...

You're like that frog, in the well. You want to be of the well. Is that enough, when you know there's an ocean outside? Do you think that well is an ocean? You confine your world...

And if you have no emotions...how can you live fully?

I went through this stage already...just did. I will use my "no emotion" armour when I need to...but not always.

I'll be okay, ge.

The sadness of the song "Because I'm Weary"... somehow, the melody in the background of tonight (this morning)... I feel so sad for you.

I want to touch you with my sincerity. I want to wrap your heart until it unfreezes.

But how can I do that when you're already so far gone? How can I, when you have left me so long ago?

Seven years ago...has it been only seven years since you were in high school?

It seems like such a long time ago.

This unfulfillable desire to reach you, it makes me sad.

Our entire syntax, our language is different. We are in the same planet, but what I speak, the images and feelings I want to invoke, I think you will never look at them. And even if you do, they'll never seem the way in my world and in your world.

Even though you're only one room away, there is a line between us which separates us into different dimensions.

We're such lonely people. You and I. But unfortunately, even so, we are lonely, we will not be each others companions.

At least not right now. Slowly slowly we will come to understand each other, I feel.

We're too lonely without each other.

But for now...I want to rest away from you. I don't want to think what I done tonight was encouraging your wrong ways or not. Because I'm weary...

On Ancestral Rites

Thank goodness in general the times we live in, ancestral worship is permitted even if you are a Christian.

Confucianism is part of me, I am Chinese.

Reading this book about the debate of Ancestral Worship (if one would call it that, it's difficult to translate) against the Early Christianity entering into Asia, in this case, Korea.

Pyun Young Tai wrote a chapter in this book, and there are several quotes I want to enter as I read it.

"...but I do know that there is some sense of gross injustice in applying this term to that in this land, unless the word "worship" is used in its obsolete sense of "recognition of merit." Even with this construction of the word, the term is not well chosen or to the point, though it is divested of its slanderous sense by so construing it...I suggest that it ought to be termed "ancestor-commemoration," if there is no better name."

Comment: Agreed.

construe: to analyze as to show its syntactical construction and its meaning. 2. loosely, to translate 3. To deduce the meaning of, or explain [her silence was construed as agreement]

"If one should wish to grasp the origin of the rite...imagine themselves back to a primitive age...the family seems all in all, the only refuge against every manner of attack from outside...the parents of the family, love, toil, and fight for their children, who look up to them not only as mere father and mother but also protectors, warriors and heroes. A kind of hero-worship is mixed with and at the same time strengthens the natural reverence and affection due to their parents...one day death suddenly claims one of them. What a grief! What a fear about the future! The most valiant of the community lies there pallid and dead!...they bury it away, very close to their home. At no meal can they escape the sense of painful vacancy at the table. The spoon, the chopsticks, the largest bowl, used by the deceased when living, are still there; but alas! the man is no more...uncontrollable grief overcomes them. One of them bursts into crying, quickly followed by the others... Grief finding thus free vent, they feel themselves a little soothed. With the return of the calm, in their untutored hearts they feel the tie of affection between the deceased and themselves is not broken and the spirit of the deceased seems to be with them still...in deep sympathy...in some invisible manner, characteristic of a ghost or spirit."

...[goes on about why it is the ancestral rites are made, something to the effect: guilt which the children feel the spirit is there, and they didn't even prepare the food for their parent, who was there just a few days ago.]

Comment: A long quote there. Firstly, a highly touching portion of the essay, and when I hear contrary to otherwise, I cannot help but become a porcupine of conservatism. In this case, I shall use Saint Augustine (as he said in his Confessions). What man (I am a woman, but I use this in the term of "mankind", damn all sexism in language) can still call himself a good human creation if he departs the most natural part of him to grieve? (I will return to this point later) Even in this world, where we no longer fear tigers outside our hut, we have many uncertainties about the future, even in the "bliss" of our first-world institutions. Predators are now our own race, and sometimes, our companions. In this case, who is it that most people can turn to?

I can say for me, definitely, it is my family. Blood cannot be changed, you cannot choose the family you were born to and brought up in. There is a truth to this, which is why some humans cannot truly accept the idea of adoption. I will rile someone up, I'm sure, when there are still many people out there, no matter what they say, in their hearts of hearts, cannot love another child as their own.

That being said, blood ties you to your kin. In my family especially (and I have a guess it's Chinese...or Asia, even, if not the world) we are inescapable. In truth we are what the Christians preach, when slapped across the face (metaphorically, say, by pride) by living together this must be resolved some way or another. We must turn the other. We love each other, we will not abandon each other no matter how far we are in life.

What grief will grasp my heart, enfold it in a black, shadowy sludge, when the day one of my parents die. My protector, my eternal teacher, a source of unconditional and unwavering love. My brother, I feel a kinship, and I know our love, although less profound, is no less real. I have been excavating it lately, and I found it there. For the longest time I thought it was a void, but it was not so. I know too little about it, but even a little to a starving man is a blessing from God.

How can a man strip away this love? How can a man strip away this grief? How can one not cry, wash away the sludge with salty tears, with the taste of salt on the lips, and thickness in the throat due to the mucus sliding down our throats?

Perhaps even my family would say: there is no need for such grief. The wheel of nature turns, and death comes with birth. But understanding this does not mean acceptance. At the time as I type this, this is not my philosophy. I accept a wheel of nature, but I know I can only love through engagement. For what is the study of philosophy, if not only a logical tangle with what we feel naturally? Logic and reason as the pair of hands, searching through our much wider emotions and primal.

I have no desire to delve in this search, for I have already found my truth. Life and death are not so special by their own, only the certainty of what happens in life is clear. Only the primal feelings are clear. It is not to say, a man should not refine himself and experience only in his primal state. How limited is his existence then, when a choice is there for him to expand, to live more?

If only what happens in life is certain, is real to our minds, then perhaps that is what should only matter. I can only take care of what is in my province, the realms of the unknown I leave to explorers to explain to the masses. For me, life is my the love of my family, the home of my heart, where I can lay when I am weary. For me, life is my goals, my ambitions, so that my path is clear, and my heart does not stay with indecision and fear of mistakes and regrets out of future foolishness.

Oh, let human realize mistakes is part of life, and only with mistakes can we learn to move forward. It has been oft repeated, but little listened, especially with our most sheltered era. This will lead somewhere down the path, I fear. A path of degeneration.

But let this not hinder me, for one can only do his best. Do the means for the ends, walk before you fly.

....well that is getting somewhere and nowhere. Off topic for the win.

Maybe I'll go on, maybe not. Either way I'm done my ramble journal-entry for the day.

:) Good luck to me to writing one everyday.

I will do well, for my family. The memory of my ancestors. If, as Pyun suggests, the Chinese have changed the meaning of worship of ancestors to idolatry and superstition, then let me put it in the case which he would accept. Let me respect and worship what my father's parents and what my mother's parents brought up, gave to me. Let this continue upwards, in all the family ancestors connected. A deep thanks.

For them, I do well.

To them, I bow in gratefulness. To them, I promise with solemnity.

Why do I know how to destroy friendship instead of building it?

Why is it so instinctive?

Seriously, there is something wrong with that o_O Why would one go do that, and know how to do that instinctively?

What the?

BOREDOM!

AHHH!!

I feel so .... empty.

I think I'm too bored?

Too reliant on luxuries. No goals.

This history essay, I'm going to do it well, and submit it somewhere. Maybe ask the library or find something out.

Or something, seriously, what the hell am I doing? Just lazing around!! My subjects aren't hard, so I should be working hard for the future.. Some goal or accomplishments.

Don't I have any accomplishments? Is there anywhere in the university which might have these....?

....Clubs...? Future opportunity/help at Western?

I have to ask Caitlin. Or something. Or Hershey maybe?

Seriously, what do I have sophs and RAs for?!

Come on Karen! Find out something about the future! Some accomplishment!

I think the title "I should study" just reminds me of all the time that meant I wouldn't study.

I just finished watching "My Sassy Girl" in Korean class today. I think...I couldn't be suspended. I can't be suspended into another world when I'm with someone else? I care too much?

But it was a good movie, one that is okay if you don't flood yourself in them? But that's the same for any genre.

Now I really want to write a fan fiction xD. I should...learn how to write in a way to capture people.

On the other hand, one of my one-shots was asked for permission to be translated. I don't care if it isn't loved...but being asked itself is flattering. I'm really happy about that.

SNSD's 2nd album is out! The ballads are really loveable. I know people are mostly in love with "byul byul byul" (star star star), and I like it a lot too, but I think "You'll always dream" or whatever it is roughly translated to (track 4) is good too.

The rest of the songs are okay? I always liked "day by day", though making it sung by all the members isn't such a HUGE plus for me.

The JeTi duet, "Caramel Coffee" is good too. I'm just glad I can hear "Yummy sugar" xD or is it candy...? Yummy candy? xD

Mm...

Let's be happy...and...study!

There is a seed of unhappiness in me lately? I think I'm going through PMS. Which means... period soon...

T__T I dislike that week... so messy...and annoying...

But I'll be grateful for it, haha, heard from too many aunts and from mum how it's a blessing for woman. =.= gyuh.

Mm...I should...join the Korean Speech concert, eh? AND I NEED TO MAKE THE PPT for the family presentation!

Ahh...what else...?

- HISTORY SUBJECT CHOOSE

- Comp lit thing is up in OWL too!

I should write here more often. Ms Ratchford said to keep on writing, even if it's something simple like a journal..

Mm~ hehe, and also, it's a good way to get rid of my darkness, or dispel at least a little bit of it, right?

Astronomy exam tomorrow...time to study~~

Bye journal~

(...Should I come up with a more creative name....?)

I hope mom is safe in Hong Kong, her fever is better and she will enjoy herself immensely. I also hope my grandpa and grandma will be healthier...winter is a killing season >_<... I hope daddy is thinking optimistically. (...Who do I hope towards?).... God, please take care of them, I will be extra strong for you. I'll try to be kinder too.

Keep them safe and happy, please.

....What's that? I should do something about that myself?

..Alright~

Place your hand over your heart

For no reason at all today, I don't know for what reason, I was reminiscing about some 1 Litre of Tears ...goods?

Mm...It really has got a good message... I make a note to my future self, whenever I...am being ungrateful and depressed, maybe I should watch it...and just remember.

And if I can't watch it at that moment. I have to just put my hand over my heart and feel it beat steadily. Bump. Bump.

For nothing at all, but for the air I'm breathing in and out.

To look at the sky, whether it's blue or grey. To look at the snow or grass.

It's good to live, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Gratefully, meekly, let's start the day again, from that moment on.

Darkness

Listening to: DBSK - Break Out (Radio Version)

How long will you stay here

huddled under this lamplight?

Cold, cold,

too cold to even cry,

they freeze before they reach your eyes

your fetal posture won't warm you anymore

you've been born for a while now.

The new moon covers her eye,

stop the camera you've been rolling

in your head, the tragedy is over.

To be honest, it never was.

Underneath the false cover,

you were killing time.

Take my hand, as you would

once, a long time ago.

Why do you look scared?

Fling those fears away,

they weren't yours in the first place.

The darkness is nothing to be frightened of,

follow me, away from the light

where all your "blemishes" are magnified

and your "perfection" too much so.

Those aren't you.

In the darkness, in the quiet,

find the one you repressed from the surface.

Believe me, there's more

to turn our gaze towards.

Those side-long glances,

stare straight back at them.

Each and every one of them

until each and every one casts their gazes

down.

Close your eyes, listen,

your time is slipping away

from your fingers

in the form of cheap nickel.

Baby, if you don't let those go

and take my hand

you're going to fade away

before you live.

Isn't that frightening?

Isn't that frightening?

Pots and pans

Why pots and pans? Because I want to say something meaningless to express my frustration besides from "God!" or "Jesus/+Christ!"

Pots! I really feel like an old woman next to my friends sometimes. In a goodish way? Since it makes me smile a little (not sadly, exactly, though I suppose the melancholic sad little smile is exactly an old woman thing- pans! I am genuinely amused, a little.)

Another, finally settling down on a good ff. :) Happy~ I want to write again...but I'll need to read a lot again.

Also getting into DBSK a little bit. Can I even say again..? Hah...

Mm..

Right, I'm not sad anymore. But there are things, that promise of the experiment-- Man, remind me not to make stupid promises for the future in the heat of a moment/emotion. Because it probably will not end up well. I wouldn't mind if I done it right then at that moment, when I was down because that would be understandable? But chr-pots! Now I know...it's....bad.? Something that would take away from...good. What I am trying to attain for?

Fuck, what am I trying to attain for anyway? I really don't know.

But...I guess that's okay, because I want to find out.

So...shall I do it just to find out?

Plus, can that remnant of my brain trying to pull a depression please stop trying to spit on other people's stories? Ahieee...so embarrassing.

I've already .."been there, done that" before.

Really. Embarrassing. OMnomnomnom *eats it*

:) I love my friends. Really. Cute. What is wrong with them

+Too much cuteness is like stuffing marshmallows into your mouth-- what is that game called again? (Gewy chewy?) SMALL DOSES damn it!

Maybe I'm glad I'm living alone next year. =w=;;

Tired of thinking

So tired of this thinking. Seriously tiring.

Exercise later after reading.

Got a new book. Book 1 of Song of Ice and Fire today.

At last I'm reading this recommended book...hm...

Yes, I look forward to it.

I'm trying to smile and throw out. Instead I'm so tired I want to throw up.

Stop thinking.

Apparently I got the password of my other account. Now to see if I can just delete that.