Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Lol, seriously. Okay, so I was like: NEED SOME RELAX CHILL TIME. To Mom.
And she interrupted me like 3 times. At first I was sort of angry. The second time was like: more angry. The third time we both laughed.
Because it was pads? She's more worried than me, probably.
Okay, but seriously I don't think I'm worried, perse.
See? That was two more times in less than a minute. Wow. Okay. My elbows touch wood as I'm typing this. End. 끝!!!!!!!
There's definitely something about packing which drives me on overdrive. I remember I didn't sleep when I was packing to go to Univ this year, and in the end I still forgot stuff. It was nutty, I fell asleep in the car even though it killed my "fishing" neck.
Okay. Chatting. Relaxing. Kissing You remixes wearing off....
Friday, December 17, 2010
Going to NY in 12 days. Went to the gym twice (1 and a half?). Saw Victor. Read Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay "Heroism" from Essays: First Series (1841). Interesting. Maybe I should freewrite something. If only GS3 was not taking up my life.
I wonder if people surrounded by people who scoff at the arts but take history are taking it because they know that whatever they take in undergrad doesn't matter that much.
What matters is you get damn.good.marks.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
How am I going to face dad when I know so little?
It's not like I can't just go pick up myself and go find out stuff. If only I was just less lazy.
Sloth is evil, I swear.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Is it me, or are monosyllabic words indicative of necessity, of the primal? Not necessarily the other way around (for example, water is two syllables in English...although in French it is l'eau...so... well... and in Chinese it's "sui" so...)
Art is everywhere, and today as I was looking at the plunger of the shower stall, anything. Silence, noise, beauty, ugliness... everything can be surreal, as long as the beholder is observing it without his (or her) usual perception.
Seth Godin said in Linchpin that Art is a personal gift that changes the recipient. And it is in the intent, and it is creation.
As he is saying this, perhaps typically, I'm thinking of the story in my brain, which I have not writ for yet.
Truthfully there is a doubt in my brain I shall ever start. When I try, I hit a wall...
I understand that I must break through that wall to be a writer. But...I am lazy at the moment? There are a lot of reasons why I must write this story though. For myself, mostly.
Yet I can't help but dream these useless dreams about it; fame, how to make it enjoyable to people. I wish I wouldn't? Because it's not really helpful. And I want to believe I want to write because... I want to write the story, I think people can enjoy it.
More notes on Godin's Linchpin:
- The most visceral art is direct. Agreed...? Most of the time? Perhaps I'm not getting the image of art correctly.
- Passion is the desire and insistence and willingness to give a gift.
(mind swings to another direction completely)
Mostly today I am wondering why people are so jealous and selfish? Godin mentions the Poverty Mentality "If I give you something, it costs me what I gave you. The more you have, the less I have. The more I share, the more I lose."
Yes. Very true.
And today, I realized my roommate might be an easily jealous person.
And how yesterday I am a jealous person.
And how today, I still might be a jealous person. Although....I think that might be curiosity as opposed to jealousy.
Me me me. Everything is about me. I can't help it.? I want to grow interest in other people too. Otherwise the world is small.
But I find this difficult because... how do you make yourself interested in anything? Make?
In subjects, maybe by reading about them.
So in people, is it just asking more about them?
(Snowing like endless amounts of sugar outside. The sparkle...unlike Salt...)
Linchpin: The combination of passion and art. People with passion loof for ways to make things happen.
As a result of our selfish poverty mentality, despite (some of us) feeling a gaping hole, which we're at the edge of, only a minority acknowledge and promote it: the need for the humane, the human touch of the personal.
...Does this relate to what I was talking about earlier in regards to the people? How to be interested in people..?
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Really, you can't just hold what details he put in and ignore his entire tone. It's great for an essay, maybe, but to teach a class?
Got me thinking how irritated I'd be talking to a misogynistic ass. Or worse, having to marry one, say, Milton? That's not to say I don't secretly love the thought of harmonic male/female relationships (hopefully with the male in lead, but why? Maybe because I'm lazy? Maybe because it's bred in me growing up? No idea.)
Mostly I thought about how unhearing hatred is something terrible. But then I thought about my brother, and apathy/pessimism, or apathetic pessimism which pisses me off to no end, and how I have little/none patience with it.
Should I rethink it...?
Maybe some other time... Sleepy.
Monday, November 22, 2010
So, secretly, or maybe not so secretly, most girls (Asian girls more prone to this? No idea) want to be effortlessly beautiful.
Or maybe me. And some other people I know. (Not, say, my friends, because who the hell would admit that? But they tell me they know other people who are like that- and I'm just surprised when they say that. My reply is usually something like: yeah, that's me, you aren't?) Anywho...
... Maybe it's not Asian, they just have to have been watching anime and seeing just "that" girl who is a hard ass or nerd who's a softy inside and somehow this magical variant of Edward Cullen sees through it and vows to protect her and love her.
I swear this needs to begin young, so the girl who is watching is like: it's okay, it doesn't matter how I end up looking like, because the magical guy will come for me. They know/think most guys as "shallow" and only care about appearances, but they don't care about that much, they're waiting for Mr. Right to show up. Mr. Right, who they might dislike at first, but eventually, at appoximately the same time, they will fall in love. Mr. Right will have a cinematic as well as unnaturally perceptive eye, and somehow slow time, on a random time he looks at her, say, once when she is tucking her hair behind her ears, or studying, or sleeping (this is slightly creepy, of course, it would need good reason-- say, he saved her, or...she's sleeping in class or something. Something better than a stalker who's looking at her while she's sleeping inside her freaking bedroom-- it still confuses me why Twihards aren't creeped out by this...but...hey, they're okay with human/inhuman (albeit humanoid) relationship and pedophelia, and love at first sight, so what is a little dangerous creeping?)
The girl will also be able to eat all she wants, but stay ridiculously thin and fit (like, Sailor Moon?)
How was I ever this girl?
I'm not saying this doesn't happen to a lucky few, but someone, anyone, could have told me it wasn't going to happen by the time I was...what.. 14? 15?... 16? I'm not sure if age is what I mean is the "wake-up call"... but more like...the unreality of it could have maybe smacked me?
Or maybe it did. Maybe it does, to that dreaming girl.
And what happens after it creeps into her subconscious, or the darker layer of consciousness, is that she starts becoming... 'desperate'.
Because by this time she had abandoned years of caring for her physical self, and knowing she doesn't compare to some others, she begins to... well, act in desperate ways. I don't know exactly how this might be. But I think I might these might be manifestations of it:
1) A sudden obsession with her physical appearance. Fashion, make-up, dieting become suddenly important. Really. Important. Anorexic important.
2) A sudden ...flirtiness? with all guys, any guy, or guys they set their eyes on. Some might deny it, but...
I think it results in serious unhealthiness. And health is attractive.
Actually, a few times I have already realized this. And have consciously worked to get away from it.
Proudly, I can say, I am actually getting away from this unhealthy, frankly what I'd call ridiculous, mindset.
Although, I do see signs of myself wanting to do this sometimes. Thankfully, I see it and I stop it... or prevent it, but what happens is that I become really quiet. Ah well. Slowly changing.
....See how I spend a ludicrous amount of time typing about silly thoughts like these and congratulating myself while my books are in front of me, reminding me I have a freaking essay to right.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
There is a saying which means something along the lines of: who you surround yourself with tells something about yourself.
So anyway, I was showering one day thinking (and I do come with many thoughts in the shower, I know not where this idiosyncrasy comes from) about my worth as a person. I couldn't immediately come up with traits, as it were, and as the mind goes, I suddenly thought of you guys.
And I felt happy. The more I thought about it, the happier I got. Basically, because regardless how blind or bereft I am of whatever excellent qualities...I can't be that bad because I have pretty good friends.
It's logic, really: really disagreeable people don't have good friends, I'm pretty sure. So if I am good enough to have my friends as you guys are, I can't be that bad.
To Victor: My dear friend, the one who walked with me on random nights talking about our stories which we will definitely write one day. For being a bloody smith, and an art student- my admirations to that, and congratulations you've found the path you feel is right for you. And my sisterly love I promise.
To Priscilla: For everything in first year university the most, for everything before and everything to come, I trust. We will be friends forever.
To Michelle: Simply for your outstanding steel in balancing your academics, which show your natural brilliance, and your athletics. You simply amaze me.
To Dora: From fashion, dancing, knitting, buying and selling online, academics to being fourth dimensional with your rather lame puns-- honestly (need I say more?) And yes, you are, for goodness' sakes, pretty if not darn gorgeous. A palette of talents, and will to use them all, apparently, to boot: I doubt I'll be able to keep up with everything you do-- thankfully I'm not nearly as pressurized as you.
To Michael: For being disappointed with a NINETY SOMETHING PERCENT AVERAGE in University. Honestly. What.the.hell? For being curious about me, trying to keep in touch. I'm sorry if I suck at responding. For being a helpful guy in general. For having the courage and will to change from business (arts) to science entirely. Good luck, I believe you can do it. You are intelligent, and regardless what you say, I think you know it true.
To Alana: I will never forget what I was when I first met you. The vampire girl with the yellow raincoat jacket. You brought me out of it. No one can replace you to me, if I've ever disappointed you, I'm sorry. I'm still growing, I'm still learning how to be better. I love you, and you once said we were sisters-- I don't know how true you thought it, but you are dear to me. You're courageous and fun to most if not all, but to me you are more. ...but Taylor still scares me.
To Angela: Honestly I don't know how I mix up your name with Aggie's sometimes, but you are my oldest friend. Since grade 4?5? We are different, but similar in some respects. I remember there was a time I thought we were polar opposites in every respect-- but I don't remember why now besides I liked dogs and you liked cats. But I won't forget it was with you whom I phoned the crazy "Stop Bullying" people. Or the eagle picture, or the heron on your roof (do you even remember that?) You have a core, I think, that I identify with. Don't grow too far from me, keep in bloody touch damn it. INVITE ME TO YOUR DAMN HOUSE. XD
To Agatha: I don't know what to say. You are serious and silly all in one. Serious when you're doing stuff, like DECA-ing, or when we're talking about "seriouser" stuff (i.e. plans for the future, universities etc.)...and silly like the other 95% of the time. WHAT DO YOU MEANNNN you are going to get killed by eating a burger? WHAT DO YOU MEANNN about not knowing "guy #50" likes you? Stop leading people on, honestly. Not that you're not a source of entertainment when I talk to you.
What an extremely long imaginary toast which I will probably not say because of its length...
Well, drink to that sad thought.
And a drink to my friends for being as they are.
And a drink to me, for my good fortune.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Care a lot about my friend who's going through a tough phase...
And am I bloody jealous? Marry! Yeah I am, oh well, only slightly and in passing. I think.
Listening to Sherlock Holmes OST. I like it! It's so peculiar...
Why am I procrastinating lately? The will to perfect something...
I don't have it? ...Craft which you perfect... the will to perfect...instead of burnout at the end...
1) Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses
2) Make those strengths distinct enough, so you are a remarkable individual by those particulars.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I think I'm still going in the right direction...? (Where was I headed anyway? I can't remember anymore...?!) But now I will also focus to be cheerful and learn the joys the sharing.
I have a heart and mind clenched by darkness. Darkness being...greed, and fearful protection of self? Why is that? Is that the reason why I keep on running and scribbling on new sheets? Until they realize I'm not who I am, and I feel they realize and augh.
Cheerfulness, think about how to be less of a SL and more of a 소녀.... Yup!!
Hehe...;; She also said I was a pretty girl, that all I need is to be cheerful and less complicated. If only I could just snap my fingers and all I could do was change.
Mm... Michael said that I should focus less on my weaknesses and trying to change and more on my strength.
I don't think they are opposing points though.
Listening to: Kelly Chan - 微光
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The girls have grown so much...since their debut. It makes me reflect on myself...
Their debut with Into the New World, and I was in grade...10?11?
It's been a really long time. They've grown so much, I feel like in comparison I haven't.
Of course I suppose one can say "you can't compare working as a celebrity to being a student"...but ...why not?
I've grown, but holy ;laksdfj. I guess it's just ...I have grown, and that's why I realize they really don't need protection from their fans. They have grown, or is it I have grown?
I guess we both grew.
Okay. Hard work...hard work! Go~!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
So sometimes it touches you so much you'd like to write about it.
Anyway, this I read in a book somewhere before. "How to Be Good" by Nick Hornby actually. It's a metaphor made by the protagonist of the story (may I say that this book is about a woman in a troubled marriage? With a spiritual healer which annoys her? How do I relate, you ask, but I verily do...somehow) on how her life with her husband was like a sheet of paper all filled out, and she wanted an affair not because she liked the other guy, or less because she wanted to feel the spark of "adventure" and "scandal" in her mundane life, but because she just wanted a new sheet of paper to draw on. To work on. Because the one she made with her husband was filled up all the way to the corners and she didn't like the picture.
(I read that book ages ago, that I still remember it says something, no?) But seriously, that metaphor gave me the chills. Because I felt it so, so deeply and easily. In other words, I knew exactly how she felt (well maybe not with the husband and two kids and spiritual healer, but the paper analogy...)
And I realized... for myself I think I am a chalkboard. For the longest time I've been having ideas, but I never enacted on any of them, for fear of how other people look at me or whatever. What I didn't know (or acknowledge... secret subconscious knowledge doesn't count?) was that Time was a tricky bastard and draws for you while you're not looking. Or trying. So when I looked on the sheet of paper that "could have been" I only think: well, I didn't draw that. I could have drawn what I wanted, only I didn't.
Well, I woke up and I realized that's really worse. Worse than not trying to draw. To create myself.
Thankfully I'm still (quite) young and now I want to fill out the paper how I want it. There's been a dozen metaphors on this: write the story of your life, model your own life (as in it's like clay?) and etc...
Sorry. Got carried away.
Anyway, I intend to snatch the Pen (or if I were a chalkboard, chalk) back from Time, and put him in his place, on a pedestal, but not on my back with a handed saddle. (That might have made no sense at all...)
...And that's all jolly good right? Well, so it is. Only... I still fear being too different. For example, recently I had an urge to speak (try to anyhow) in Shakespearian English. Why not? I thought, besides from the obvious, it'd at least force me to think thrice before I speak, and make me learn new vocabulary.
Well the obvious won out. But I couldn't hold my Muse... but that is mine secret.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
But without a doubt, we fit each other. Without a doubt, I am yours, and I more than believe you are mine. I have faith in you. Without a doubt, I can rest on you.
That's all I wanted to say. :)
So everyone has probably been asked what they found physically attracting about someone.
And to be honest, for a very long time that just confused me. After all, wouldn't, well, everything, be pretty much there somewhere, if we're talking about an ideal? It'd be great if the person just looked...good. But anyway, the answer I usually get to that question is: eyes or skin or hair or clothing or body shape or sometimes lips (never the nose, as it were, and why is this? Is the thing squat in the middle of our face not important?...or is just me that never heard that answer before?)
But today I was watching Genie (3d version came out. Oh whoop, right? But I think I'll just love that song forever, and no song by Soshi can replace it ever again? Seriously.) and suddenly a phrase popped into my head. You know "arresting eyes"? I always thought that as, say, an angry authority (police officer, teacher, parent etc.) glaring at you, locking you in place.
For the entire song I was basically like, mm, yeah sure, they look nice, but then Taeyeon goes and makes me fangirl. (Honestly I've stopped fangirling for a very long time.) But seriously, WHAT IS IT WITH SELF-SATIFIED SMIRKS?! augh. Gets me EVERY TIME. And by now you're saying: smirks = eyes? What?
It's just that moment where she looks at you and dismisses you. Or looks at you and smirks confidently. Gives a whole new definition to "arresting".
Changmin does the same thing. My god.
So yes, now I know what is my turn on. Asshole confidence? Great.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
wasn't part of my soundtrack in that part of life...but the melody suits well.
The lyrics might not match so well either, with the reason why I was inspired to walk down this reminiscent road.
Is it that reminiscing is a lonely thing in general, or was it because I was so alone, that period which I am reminiscing?
That period which I felt so strongly, which I was such a silly little girl desperately looking for love.
Desperate... people need to stop using that word so easily and mockingly to describe everyone (same as "rape"...your exam "raped" you? Did it violate you in and leave you feeling colder than stone, where becoming non-existent like the wind was the preference to an irremovable dirt? No? Then no.)
But anyhow, I think I was...desperate. No friends, family a mess...
Honestly I am not saying I don't see where my transformation came from: in puberty I sat in front of the computer and grew fat. I know where my body weight comes from (asides from gene or whatnot). I don't want to blame anyone... it just was.
This morning I was thinking whether "life was fair" or not. My original thought was:
In detail, no. In the larger picture, yes.
But then I thought: actually, the world is neither fair nor unfair. It just...is. So...that might be why it's "fair"..? Things just happen...and they happen.
I could blame my parents for not forcing me to join stuff, my brother for being...him, but I also had myself to blame. Even if I was a child, who didn't think with prudence.
Does that make me not responsible? Then perhaps it wasn't my family's responsibility either.
Those sort of thoughts...
Today on Facebook I saw my brother's comment, I don't know if he's serious.
But it brought back all these memories of this period. It feels like it's been ages. I am now a different person. Content, with friends, growing confidence little by little. But somehow those words swept me right back to my twelve year old self.
Drunk with a clandestine love, thankfully I suppose given what was happening in our family at that time, scared. Lonely.
Scared. Lonely. Alone. Lonely.
I can tell no one... because there was no one there with me at that time. Of course I could tell a friend now, but it's just not the same. They were not with me (if they were, I might not have walked the path I did...)
I guess, however, when reminiscing truly, I can always go back to my first fan fiction and cringe at the most terrible writing and constant interference in author notes DURING THE READING.
And I wondered why I didn't get reviews...(I am most amused I got any. I guess..perseverance does do miracles.) I can't even get through it because it's so terrible.
For a second there I loved a corpse.
EDIT: Why do I feel like it's necessary to defend and clarify myself...even to myself?
There is a power to words, I think...?
Back to point: it was only for a moment. I am back to myself now. Cringing at everything.
Anyway, in this quiz, the question was (something to the likes of) "Who do you trust?":
d) don't remember...
And I was wondering: what do you mean, who do I trust? With my life or my secrets?
But what caught my interest was, (I supposed the question meant secrets-- no one thinks about life and death consciously if they can help it, it seems, especially not for a light thing such as a facebook quiz) and I was surprised followed by being mildly amused and delighted at the answer "Stranger"...because I realize I do have that tendency.
That is, I really like my friends, but I feel comfortable saying my problems to people unrelated to the problem. And I feel freer to say more things in my scope of experience to strangers.
And right, I suppose that's it, the freedom to be however I want to be. I guess I'm just addicted to it...but the thing is, there are so many strangers out there, I would never run out of supply, if one thinks about it.
Of course, I need my friends. To hang out, to play with, to grow with etc. But I'm just saying, strangers are...the feeling of a blank page which sometimes you just need, because you have filled out your pages with your friends and family. And you are expected to draw in a certain way, use certain colours and so on.
I suppose I was inspired to write this after I talked to a friend today and we were deciding whether to go to get bubble tea at the CSA gen.meeting.... and I realized I really did not care to go.
Seriously, if I knew no one, maybe. But people I knew, who were friends with other people-- no?
Monday, October 11, 2010
In the end, my ipod now says:
And yesterday a past teacher of mine said he valued prudence very highly. As it isn't a very common word in daily speech, I thought of my iPod... And was reminded of the words I engraved.
I searched up the word in my handy dictionary inbuilt to the macbook, and the definition was:
Prudent (Prudence is the noun)
Acting with, or showing care and thought for the future.
I think when I engraved it, it was more of a "think before you speak"...with a little thought to thinking before acting.
But now I take my word to: work hard in school and for my future.
The words meant a lot to me, and now less so. People keep on changing... But I know the imagery each word invoked in my mind in the past... Simply, now is less...strong..? I place less weight to each thought. Generally.
Thanksgiving was good. I played FFXII which was fun :) and I had lunch with my brother, which was good even if we said very little.
I want fruits...shall I buy some...tomorrow...?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
But why? Since you ought be too far
For my nose t'sense this dreaded scent,
Sickly distance (my shield of sanity) falls to lark.
No plum fresh'ner nor perfume,
If rids the reek, will mend the wreck
between you and I 'til tomb;
'tween us is a too forte a cleft.
Pernicious youthful decisions,
de facto more strong since
tender brains 'er fertile to fissions
deeper, bridged by naught but blood, but chance--
Shame!-- hear the halfwit's heart hold hope
to, like no mortal, walk on water.
I can't find something which fits on the last couplet.
I know the meter isn't right...but I worked hard on this. So, I am proud.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I feel so small and mean.
I know this is my weakness, so I think it is necessary for be to be in a physically better shape to build my confidence.
You know, the sad thing is that so many that know me my age would say it's a stupid notion I'm going through. That Every One Is Beautiful Naturally. But that's just not true. People differ in levels of beauty. And there ARE people out there who are beautiful outside and inside.
I should aim to be like that. I do feel affected by this already, daily, and I have gone through the stage of intense mental burnouts way too many times in my life to know it doesn't work. So...I guess I am happy, even though I have eaten late for two nights in a row now.
But really, two nights, I think I can live with myself. And so on with three nights...but I don't want three nights.
It's hard, sometimes, to remind myself of the good feeling and hopes I have for this new school year. How excited I was this summer (I actually ran in joy to my room when I moved in after the driver went away.) I could feel the back of my brain saying I might look really silly, but I was honestly that happy. And today (or was it yesterday?) as I was going back towards my residence I tried to summon that feeling again and failed.
Of course, I know as well as anyone feelings can't be 'summoned.' How many times have I wish I could record feelings and play them? But you can't, you can only hold on to bits of it through the memory, and then later with the help of songs and scents. At least for me. (I was walking through the rec centre and through the ice rink when I remembered the smell, I think, vaguely reminded me of my youth...in grade 3 where I would go skating sometimes with the class. What happened to those? And I also thought: I really did grow up here. Why am I not seriously whitewashed? I SKATED for gods sake. As a child.)
I can't even remember how I felt with Ellen anymore. Or...I can remember, but I definitely don't feel it anymore.
Which makes sense. It's been seven years. (Note this in future story which I will write~)
Sometimes I want to blame my parents. I love my parents, and anyone who knows me a pinch would know...but... uncle mike said something which got me to really think: if parents are happy then their children will naturally become happy. And the gods knows my parents were not happy. But I still think my brother ought to take responsibility over himself.
How come people love things that can be so awful and broken and with sharp edges? I think in my scenario, it's just time. Time makes attachment and love. With my friend, I think she's just masochistic. She enjoys the pain, the ride of up and down down down and up and down. But... I'm not like that.
I really want to be healthy and happy.
Woah. I just tried to type what else I wanted to be and that brought up: intelligent and deep philosophically, cool... and then a highly contrasting image of charismatic and passionate.
It seems like two jarring opposites. But I realize I have the potential to be those things (I sort of am already, but I can be more in each aspect. There is no perfection after all.)
I don't want to be: stereotypical. I don't want to stereotype... I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I do that... but I do. I judge base on appearance, so much. And it's my weakness, which I will change...but slowly, forgiving myself. And also, I will adapt by appearing better myself.
I don't know whether it's because of who I hang out with: where anything mainstream is frowned upon unless it's Unarguable-With (such as: kindness is good...or something like that, because if anyone claimed it was Unarguable I'd probably demand a further explanation...augh...see??!) but I feel ashamed to say aloud I want to be physically become fit and look better. I should not be. The human body is so precious, why is it there must be a division between those who favour the body against the mind (stereotypically, the good looking jock/cheerleader/ against the nerd-with-a-good-mind-and-heart.... seriously. I need to trash this out.) As Gloria said, there ARE people who are just good. Inside and out.
I just need to remind myself. The thing is like... well, it's like my physical state actually. Every time I stretch, I reach my boundaries so soon. And sometimes I just start getting numb because I don't stretch so often. It's sort of pathetic, I know, but it's exactly it as well. I try not to look down on myself when compared to others, because I am sure there is something about me which is better or just as good. I am equal or what it is we're all taught (but as you can see, it just cracked there. It's not easy to just change one's perspective like "that")
Just smile. With teeth and eyes.