Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What is naivety anyway.

Dear Stranger,

In my culture, there's this term called Naivety, and those who are naive when they are below the age of ten or so are termed cute, and it's seen as normal.
Somewhere along the line, once they reach fourteen or so, naivety becomes no longer an excuse, depending on the mistake done.

If the mistake is big enough, or sometimes that isn't even necessary, you receive a lot of "hate".

Hatred is such a weird thing. Why do people find it so good to piss on people? That petty hatred... it makes me think those people aren't capable of true love.
Of course I have hated before, and still hate. And you can only hate when you love. Truly love, truly hate.

Sorry, divergence...
But what is naivety, stranger? Because in our lands, every mistake can be a naivety couldn't it? Or just ignorance, non-seeing.

Hm.. brain isn't functioning properly and my fingers are cold. 5:13 in the morning.
Good ...night? Going to hit the bed?

After I brush my teeth and all the rituals...

God, what is Naivety? What is conforming? What is good and bad? It's like I live in a cauldron, in a giant whirling mass of colour everywhere, but ultimately giving a monocoloured feel. Sort of like the noise of an old television...

Saturday, December 3, 2011


A few anchors in my mind (that is, no matter what philosopher or logic tries to derail me, I will kill it):
- Family importance (namely, parents). Not even necessarily my parents than the abstract of them.
- Life is better than death.

I wish there were more, but anyway, having anchors themselves make me feel secure.

So even if I am unsure about everything else, in regards to the second one:
Because life is better than death, and because I don't know whether life is filled with wretchedness or blessings, my resolution is:
1) See the blessings more.
2) Strangle every bit of nectar I can from life and suck it dry.

Even if I love, it's for me. I know this.
Even if I love selflessly, I get gratification, therefore it is selfish. Even though my actions are selfless (or perceived so).

It's a bit frustrating, life, that's all.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Unhappy (but, as expected, after writing I feel better)

I want to type I am "unhappy" right now.
But really I guess I should just type I am procrastinating right now, and therefore have time to think too much. My mental image of mom does not approve.

Anyway, to make fun of myself, I guess I will say why I am unhappy... so I can laugh at them and get back to work.

1) I am attracted to relationships (relating back to the last post), even if I acknowledge I won't get in one in the near future. Probably won't? Anyway. Point is, I went on AKP and saw the post about Sunye in a relationship and saw Dora's photo on FB with her boyfriend (which is good) but... augh, I just felt a pang of loneliness. And really, Karen, that's... not really "silly" as my fingers want to type, but just... not helpful. And not really useful. And therefore discardable! *discards* Okay.

2) I got charged a fine on overdue library books when I thought I renewed them. Wtf. Okay. But I will have to go home and come back with the books. Sigh... might as well work in the library. Maybe I'll work in the stairwell, since I like the (yeah, strange) smell of cold concrete? I don't actually know what the smell is, but it's the smell on the jogging track, the ice rink and in the library stairwell, oddly enough.

3) Got to finish my 2301E assignment. FINISH IT... I can do this. This guy in my 3421E class could finish a 1000 word essay no problem... actually, I think I can too... 2000 isn't actually that difficult. I'm on 700 and I'm only halfway through my first argument. I just need to focus. Sometimes I wish I could have fans or something (clearly submerged in K-pop way too freaking long) to encourage me. I don't have that, but I do have friends. Hmm.. leading to point 4...

4) I think I am submerged in loneliness again. Seriously I think it might just be my PMS (POSTmenstrual syndrome though, in this case) because I get that. Or it might be that I lack sleep, running on 2 hours and fear of caffeine messing up my body for good. But... yeah... I feel lonely. It's strange because I grew up with a lot of love from my parents, and it's not like I grew up with loads of friends so I should be used to it by now, but I guess...
Honestly though, this type of loneliness, it's not like I want to share it with anybody. Or... I wouldn't mind sharing it, and it would probably be therapeutic to do so...

In this huge world, how do we manage to be this lonely? What the hell?

But... yeah. I'm okay.
I'm okay :D
I'll be my own biggest fan. That sounds pathetic, but seriously... it has to work like that. It works like that for everyone, even the performers with the most fans, I think.

I guess I'll start stalking other bloggers. For some reason this internet voyeurism makes me feel less lonely. Except the bloggers sort of want others to read their stuff, right?

I wonder if people who go to prostitutes feel the same as I do, right at this moment?
Wow. What a strange thought. But entirely plausible, I think.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Thoughts on being Single

Okay, so to pre-empt, this may make me sound retarded. As in slow.

But just a note to self... I think... I should write down (and set in clay, if not stone) how I feel about being a single, 20 year old girl.

I think... I finally love myself to just enjoy it.

I have been examining this thought more seriously, and I really think it's not just a "Well, I don't have a boyfriend so it's okay to be single" reaction. ... Or not just that anyway. Because I really, really, do not want to be a desperate person. Relationship-desperate people are never attractive, and really, especially if they're women/girls.

And it's just gross. I don't want to be a gross person.

But I've been moving from that revelation which I reached years ago to this one... where it's just, I like being single too. I like pampering myself and buying stuff for myself. I like loving me. And that sounds really vain... but really.

I mean, I would love, I won't deny by any means, to meet the right person for me and embark on a relationship. But... I think I like being single too.

Honestly I think I've thought of this before. But in a high school and university environment, sometimes you forget (either because you're envious/awkward watching kissing/loving couples-- unless, of course, you got that one (or two) friend and her boyfriend and they're like, ridiculously cute together and then you really feel awkward but happy for them over envy-- or you're busy as a hamster running to keep herself on top of a constantly growing snowball so not to get killed by an avalanche).

Anyway, I guess this was a reminder. Now back to work.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

EXTRA EXTRA Original title: Random List of Stuff about Me.

1. I'm 20 years old.

2. I have no boyfriend (or girlfriend, to pre-empt), I do have an imaginary (friend?) lover who I refer to as My Jealous Mistress, who is my creative literary muse. I have an amorphous relationship with her, it is perhaps amorous where I simultaneously adore and hate her. She is faithful to me, but jealous, and will not love me unless I am devoted to her.

3. As far as I know, I am straight. But since I am easily influenced by others, and classic literature denotes Muse as a woman, my Muse is a woman.

4. I am increasingly undergoing mental sparagmos as I age and mature. I am unsure whether this is like other people, or unlike other people (i.e. the general population) although I feel, as I am writing this, it is unlike others. Granted, my condition is not constant, i.e. I am focused at times. Usually after I talk to my mom.

5. I like talking to my mom. Generally speaking.

6. I love my parents. Not really sure about my brother. I am not even sure if he is legally sane (i.e. if he is insane, then I can't judge him by "normal standards") and sometimes I imagine to be this mental dysfunct. It makes my skin crawl and I want to protect my parents and me from him. This is not out of normal sibling rivalry, although I can't deny or admit to it being a possible factor to my feeling towards him.

7. I am introverted. I.e. I prefer thinking by myself. It is not that I am necessarily a private person (for example, I wouldn't mind anyone commenting on this post) but I just wouldn't promote it (LOOK HERE enter friend's name AT WHAT I WROTE). Although most of the time I think I would love to share my stories. But I feel I hate it when people impose on me their stories, so I shall not to the same, unless asked.

8. I am learning how to be a Good Person. It sounds easy, but it's really hard. Last week I defended the integrity of a sport against an acquaintance. It felt good, since usually I would just keep quiet and think the person was a bigot.

9. I think the world is deeply superficial. (You make think it's common sense, but some people don't... I think.) I think there is an ideal I would like to be, physically and mentally... but I wonder whether the Ideal would be Me, if I were to consciously emulate it. Is growth by emulation natural if it's done consciously? Why is natural growth important? (Because conscious ingenuity to oneself is like an eyesore, like a neon, pornographic picture in the peripheral vision of a Titian painting... and I cannot accept it. Nor, I think, can a lot of people.)

10. I think sometimes my insistent cling to genuineness is a defence of my low position on the superficiality scale. I think this is the way it is perceived by some people too (although of course, not everyone, thankfully. But how much of the general population, I am not sure.) But I also think parts of my genuineness is genuine. But how big of a slice that is, I am not sure.

11. I think showing genuine thought is dangerous. I feel like it'd scare away many people. I also think discussion about such solemn (if I may call it that) topics is depressing, which is why I prefer not to dwell on them, because I do not want to be depressed (generally, although sometimes it's like good wine. For example, I don't mind a little nostalgia once in a while). Also because there is the superficial reason that I know I do not want to be associated as a "depression-bringer."

12. Did I just refer to superficiality as basic human interaction skill? I suppose, however, that is what ultimately superficiality is based from. The construction of your persona which interacts with other people.

13. This was fun, but I have class now. Maybe I'll post this up on Facebook (what does that say about what I just said? Really...)

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Anger is blocking my ability to study

I feel so angry with my midterm that it's blocking my ability to study. I keep on thinking how picky my professor was with words.
I got a 70 on my midterm, which I felt was definitely a higher quality than a 70. Am I overestimating myself? Or is this some fucking conspiracy where the professor is like this and I am just forced to ask her for a higher mark if I need? I know it sounds like I am overthinking... but...

I really have a difficult time believing my paper was worth a 70. Like, objectively speaking. The level of pickiness of it when the idea is clearly indicated...

*breathe... breathe...* I know that this exam I really just HAVE to say... everything. Watch my significance paragraphs.

As for the two essays. Oh man. Wow, I don't know. I really thought that deserved higher too.
But let me think... Shorter answers. Specific examples. Clearer sentences.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


I just look at my depressed self and all I want to say.... no, all I am going to say is:....

...shut up.




:) Much better. Tomorrow, go find jobs.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


is driving me insane. Might be because of work.
No energy. And grumpy all the time.
Thinking about it makes me... not sad, but... depressed.

And that gets me angry. Ai... WTF. Better something to do than nothing.

A woman and a girl are looking at each other. "One of them is a liar." - somewhere on the page.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

So it comes to this.

So tomorrow my summer school starts.
Got to hand out those resumes tomorrow.
And sell those keyboards, so I will have to go to Post Office to check out how much it cost to sell those things.

And also, was watching f(x) Pinocchio when I realized...how young those girls were. And they are already entertainers... in crazy outfits. Do they want this?

...Anyway. that got me thinking: there is a lot of ways people think in this world.
But... ultimately, I think people are in search of the truth... What really works... for themselves...?
...Too lazy to continue thinking, apparently. Time to get ready to sleep.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Keyboards

So I have been home a few days: and I have been using my browns more.
What can I say? I sort of saw it coming that I wouldn't be able to part with either.
...Actually, that might not be true. I think if I were to part with one then I would part with the browns over the blues, since the blue are special.
But the brown...I guess they can sort of be like...my... normal keyboard? Or keyboard when I am sort of really tired... because while I was clicking on my blues in university I realized that it can get tiring.
Or am I just seriously weak sauce...

Maybe I'll sell both and get a topre or something instead. Clearly I am a lazy bum.

And thinking about it. I am not sure anymore. Augh.