Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Unhappy (but, as expected, after writing I feel better)

I want to type I am "unhappy" right now.
But really I guess I should just type I am procrastinating right now, and therefore have time to think too much. My mental image of mom does not approve.

Anyway, to make fun of myself, I guess I will say why I am unhappy... so I can laugh at them and get back to work.

1) I am attracted to relationships (relating back to the last post), even if I acknowledge I won't get in one in the near future. Probably won't? Anyway. Point is, I went on AKP and saw the post about Sunye in a relationship and saw Dora's photo on FB with her boyfriend (which is good) but... augh, I just felt a pang of loneliness. And really, Karen, that's... not really "silly" as my fingers want to type, but just... not helpful. And not really useful. And therefore discardable! *discards* Okay.

2) I got charged a fine on overdue library books when I thought I renewed them. Wtf. Okay. But I will have to go home and come back with the books. Sigh... might as well work in the library. Maybe I'll work in the stairwell, since I like the (yeah, strange) smell of cold concrete? I don't actually know what the smell is, but it's the smell on the jogging track, the ice rink and in the library stairwell, oddly enough.

3) Got to finish my 2301E assignment. FINISH IT... I can do this. This guy in my 3421E class could finish a 1000 word essay no problem... actually, I think I can too... 2000 isn't actually that difficult. I'm on 700 and I'm only halfway through my first argument. I just need to focus. Sometimes I wish I could have fans or something (clearly submerged in K-pop way too freaking long) to encourage me. I don't have that, but I do have friends. Hmm.. leading to point 4...

4) I think I am submerged in loneliness again. Seriously I think it might just be my PMS (POSTmenstrual syndrome though, in this case) because I get that. Or it might be that I lack sleep, running on 2 hours and fear of caffeine messing up my body for good. But... yeah... I feel lonely. It's strange because I grew up with a lot of love from my parents, and it's not like I grew up with loads of friends so I should be used to it by now, but I guess...
Honestly though, this type of loneliness, it's not like I want to share it with anybody. Or... I wouldn't mind sharing it, and it would probably be therapeutic to do so...

In this huge world, how do we manage to be this lonely? What the hell?

But... yeah. I'm okay.
I'm okay :D
I'll be my own biggest fan. That sounds pathetic, but seriously... it has to work like that. It works like that for everyone, even the performers with the most fans, I think.

I guess I'll start stalking other bloggers. For some reason this internet voyeurism makes me feel less lonely. Except the bloggers sort of want others to read their stuff, right?

I wonder if people who go to prostitutes feel the same as I do, right at this moment?
Wow. What a strange thought. But entirely plausible, I think.

No comments:

Post a Comment